Best snippet of overheard conversation

The speaker - My ex.

Overheard by - the entire pub.

"Dammit, would you stop being so PC? It's not stereotyping to say that gay men aren't attracted to women, it's a fact..."
--A girl having a heated conversation at an early hour outside my window

"you're newly single? wow, i'm newly single too"

She: I used to think I quite liked Rembrandt, but then I decided there was too much brown.
He: I quite like the Impressionists.

I wondered by what means they had found themselves together at a Rembrandt show.

Similarly, when I went to see the movie The Elephant Man:

He: Oh, Anthony Hopkins. He's very good. He was in Psycho, you know.
She: Ooh, you don't half know a lot about films.

(I *hope* she meant 'pelmets')

actually though, now i think about it, kinda cheating, but in alan bennet's book 'writing home' he quotes one man in a donkey jacket shouting at another likewise dressed in the street saying
"look, there's NOTHING you can teach ME about road-sweeping..."

"Armed robbery's a very serious offence, you know!"

"Yeah so i got the money, got all me mates round to celebrate... Fish and chips all round, strawberries and champagne, you know, the works!"

He's my favourite person of the day.

Mother: "If we wanted to see tigers we would've visited daddy at work"

Me : Hey darlin' we got a lot in common...I'm not wearing a bra either.

My friend turned around knowing it was me, while the lady next to her turned around and said "You Pig!!!" and slapped me...I guess she thought I was talking to her, because she really wasn't wearing a bra...

One sloppy drunk guy noticing the arrival of a packed police van, Central London, New Year's Eve, 1999.

"Martin, why are you being so defensive?"
"Yeah, yeah...well why are you being so OFFENSIVE?"

"today i feel like an indispensible cog in the machine"

1: hey
2: what?
1: you know who really needs a haircut?
2: who?
1: Michael Bolton.
2: yeah, you're right.

I slid under the table I was laughing so hard (and I was in a different booth)! Wish I could recall whether she took him home that night.

Woman behind bar:"You should try Gingko Bilboa, it's fantastic!"

Incredibly drunk guy covered in paint: "Will it give me a huge rectum?"

Man 1: You listen here. If they made me a decent looking woman, you know what I'm saying, it'd be perfect. I already understand guys.
Man 2: Fuck you are so right.

??!

"If you knew anything about space or love, you would never ever fuck with Björk."

ANTO 1: what are you up to this weekend?
ANTO 2: ah, i thought i'd go down to later.
ANTO 1: whaaa? you don't like dance music. why would you go there?
ANTO 2: sure it'll be full of gee!

("gee" = irish slang term for, er, female bits)

two antos (dublin equiv of geezers, maybe) on a bus, some years ago.

ANTO 1: what are you up to this weekend?
ANTO 2: ah, i thought i'd go down to (popular rave club) later.
ANTO 1: whaaa? you don't like dance music. why would you go there?
ANTO 2: sure it'll be full of gee!

("gee" = irish slang term for, er, female bits)

Dependent entirely when the campus pub is open. And we're on summer hours now unfortunately.

1: my dad wanted me to sign his living will, but no way.
2: but?
1: no way, i'm not signing it. i figure it's god's choice. when it's his time to go that's up to god.
2: but the medical bills. he could be like a vegetable like for years.
1: he's got money. i just won't do that.
2: it can be really expensive. it's do not resuscitate.
1: it's outta my hands.
2: ...
1: he's been real into this kinda stuff since he shot himself.
2: ?
1: didn't i tell you that? he put a gun to his head three years ago. blew out his eye, didn't kill him. he's got one eye now, he's still up and around.
3: oh my friend's dad did that. put a shotgun up under his chin, bssshh blew off the whole side of his face, but he lived.

"I'm a bad man, and sometimes a bad man's just got to be bad."
"And sometimes you're just DUMB."

Rude Boy 1: D'you get me. It was fucking out of order!
Rude Boy 2: Totally blood, disrespectful.
RB1: Yeah, he's got no 'spect. I sent him out for fresh pasta and he comes back with dried!
RB2: [shakes head sadly] Dried pasta's such a diss, man.

"Is he going into convulsions?"

"Not yet!"

I live next to the West Hollywood Russian mafia.

A: They don't have any [insert female recording artist name here] CDs!!!!

B: Maybe they're sold-out.

A: Maybe they're just SEXIST!

I also heard them complaining that the store didn't have "enough" Sex Pistols records, whatever that means. Oh, Berkeley..

"What's a glory hole?"

Exec1: They've got 35 buildings on 29 locations, 900 employees...looks like we've hit the glory hole with this one.
Exec2: "glory hole"? What kind of expression is that?

So, there wasn't a demo either? Sad.

While waiting in front of a girl said to her friend at the Post Office, this morn:

"He's such an ass! Had the nerve to hold up the dildo like a sword."

Was dying to ask her whether he was willing to bend over, natch.

First: "She's always locking everything up, she.."

Second: "Yeah, she's always putting everything in boxes.."

First: "...that lock."

"So you were less surprised at getting hit by a bus than at me getting engaged?!"

Prof.:...and that's when man found out he had idle time to do whatever he pleased.
Student: Oh, yeah! That's where they fry the codfish!

WTF?! Mind you, this little exchange was all in Spanish.

(whilst walking down polk st. in san francisco)
"I dont give a fuck, I'm just tryin' to eat the pussy"

Not really. It was just complete nonsense as far as I'm concerned. Maybe she was into Dada.

"So welcome to the team. We'll have some laughs! But it'll be hard work, too."

later, to be completed by my friend--

"when you stab a starving baby, it doesn't scream, it just dies! Huh? huh?"

As most of you know, I am proud mother to a rather precociouus 6 year old boy. I have never been more proud than when I overheard this just now:

Zoe (the dog): barks, jumps on bed, walks around
S: "Zoe, get off me, you're stepping on my balls!"

Fin.

Middle aged, average looking woman to middle aged husband(Shouting. Loud. From back of bus to front, holding up mobile phone as if by way of explantion and utter deadpan, with no hint of irony at all...)

IAN, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I ASKED YOU WHO'S THE DADDY NOW?

"..you're a bastard, and now you're even making me smell men's piss!"

12 year old Kid on Bus #1: you shit!

12 year old Kid on Bus #2: you wanker!

12 year old Kid on Bus #1: you bastard!

12 year old Kid on Bus #2: you asshole!

12 year old Kid on Bus #1: you paedophile!

Chubby Kid (to friend): Yo...DUCK, son!

The restaurant lull didn't last long enough for me to hear what came next, and I almost made a thread asking ILE to guess, cause I keep making guesses myself.

WTF this woman was in her 20s.

A family at Old Country Buffet, on a separate occasion:
Boy (to teenage girl): Boy, you sure like salt.
Girl: Not as much as your aunt does.
Boy (to woman): Why do you like salt so much?
Woman: I need it for my ears. It keeps the water out of em.

Taller, okder gay guy: Yeah. My mom uses this cleaner that's really good.

Shorter, younger gay guy: Would it work.

Tall: Oh yeah. It's really good. It has a nice smell too.

Short: What is it?!! Really?

Tall: I'm not sure?

Short: Where does she get it?

Tall: I think at work.

Short: Wouldn't it be great if we could use it?

"Hi this is CB from [magazine]. We're trying to build a unicycle and we wondered if you had any spanners?"

incredibly high scratchy scouse accents.

voice1:Look at these olives.
voice2:Olives!
voice1:Dese ones are stuffed with pimento!
voice2:Woz pimento?
voice1:Don't fuckin' know.

"It's not swearing if you say ship. Ship! Ship! See, it's alright. I said Ship! SHIP!"

"It's like everybody has a computer now."
"I know. It's crazy."

And then...
A: Why do they call it a sweet tooth? If you had a tooth that was actually sweet, you probably wouldn't want to eat candy. It'd just be too much.
(silence from B)

And, finally, sparked by the [usually painfully simple] Who Am I trivia game that plays every few minutes on the bus televisions:
A: JFK.
B: Um, that's Jesse Jackson.
A: Oh. (pause) Haha, you know presidential faces. You're a loser.

Actually I remember being the same age as those guys and making the same argument about Sylvia Plath.

citykid 1: [...]crackheads in my building, not even living there, just like on the stairs.
citykid 2: where did you live?
citykid 1: franklin & park. i used to pour water on them, to wake them up, like in the middle of winter. and they'd run around outside. cracksicles!
citykid 2: cracksicles! dude you probably killed somebody.
citykid 1: whatever. it's not like they really had a life.

(this is what i wrote down at the time, wish i could remember more of it)

"no, i just make love 'cause i feel a connection, a connection that's cute, and so i make love. you know?
...
can we just go back to being lovers without all the hocus pocus?
...
no, i just didn't know what you were talking about. that must be an issue of yours from a previous relationship.
...
i have to tell you, when i first met you, i broke one of your wine glasses, and then i hid it. open communication, boy, that's hard! whew. forgive me father, for i have sinned. will you spank me now?"

This is just beautiful.

One time - girl on phone "Oh good news! You're not a daddy! Six days late"

then later in the same conversation:

"Ben and Laura! On MY sofa! It was disgusting! They didn't quite reach 4th base but they certainly reached 3rd!"

Then on a different occasion, some kids were describing a party at their school.

"Mrs Johnson caught me on my knees with Darren"

"What were you doing?"

"What do you mean, what I was I doing? I was ON MY KNEES"

wonder if other ppl who've used this bus a lot in the past (e.g. Liz D, Carsmile) have also overheard stuff of a similar nature?

"don't go there, or i'll KILL YOU DEAD! I'LL KILL YOU DEEEEEEEEEAD!"

"This is Ashok. he's a Brahmin"

"Oh right....they've demolished the Bullring now, haven't they? And I can never remember which is which out of New St and Moor St stations. Bournville's lovely...I think Chocolate World must be one of my favourite museums in the whole country"

"No not Brummie, Brahmin!"

Him: Do you want to get off at this stop?
Me: No, I don't like walking under that bridge.
Him: Why? Because of the troll?
Me: Well, I never have any change....
Him: I went down to the Sainsbury's and got some Troll Chow, so I keep some on me, you know, just in case.
Me: I don't believe a thing you're saying.
Him: You don't?
Me: No. You're not the kind of person who has the foresight to buy Troll Chow.
Him: .....

(note: the question "is she ridin'?" was common among Dublin blokes of a certain age a few years back: it translates as "has she become sexually active yet?") I don't know if it translates too well for those not familiar with Irish dirtyness...

Hi Richard, this is Dr Davies, sorry to hear things aren't going so well at the moment. If you come into the surgery I have a new cream you could try, and we can talk about possible surgery.

For some reason we all assumed it was genital related.

Dad: "Well if its just monkeys then we're not going, because I've seen Monkeys"

Son (lifts head from shoveling chimichanga into face and lazily says): Yeah, you've seen monkeys...but you haven't seen monkeys...a lot.

at this point, the two ppl disappeared out of the door to the staircase which leads to the smoking area, so I never heard the rest!

Earlier:

"You put it in the green washing up bowl"

"What green washing up bowl?"

"There, in front of the bald man"

Girl: It’s weird, in my new story the main character is addicted to coffee and I don’t even drink coffee!
Guy: Maybe the coffee is a metaphor.
Girl: Oh yeah.

2. Sometime in 02

Girl 1: My mom called me an “atheist” this morning, can you believe that?
Girl 2: She thinks you worship the devil and stuff?
Girl 1: Nooo, that’s Wiccan!

"Only children are the worst. Everyone I know with issues is an only child."

I wince and go back to reading my book but before I leave the same girl, who has been slagging off her bf and his family for the last 20 minutes says,

"Well, I think that families that yoga together, stay together."

First time I've heard yoga as a verb.

G--ff! This was in Minneapolis, wasn't it? I used to live off of Columbus, near Franklin & Chicago. Right behind the morphine clinic!

Well, I think that families that yoga together, stay together.

My aunt is a very well respected yoga teacher and so insane at family gatherings that I avoid her like the plague.

Maybe he was just negotiating with one of his other personalities.

"The end of July"

"Oh, so next year, then?"

"No this year."

"But we're in August now"

"oh yeah!"

1: It's not pronunced "Porsh" it's "Porsha".
2: Is it?
1: Yeh man, if you go for a job interview with Porsche and pronounce it wrong then you don't get a job. You have to pronounce it "Porsha"
2: Didn't know that
1: Yeh, they'll be all like "Fuck off mate - it's Porsha".

Coworker1: How far up does it go?
Coworker2: Pretty much all the way. I've got to put my medication on it now, if you want to see it.
Coworker1: YEAH! We should tell Nick to stay in his room for a few minutes, though.

Man: "god, I havent been here since the last time we were here!"

Student 1: Oh, what was it? ... that Marvin Gaye did?
Student 2: Lovely Day?
Student 1: No... um, Sexual Healing, that's it!
[both sing brief snatch of Sexual Healing]
Student 1: APPARENTLY, he was SHOT. By his DAD.
Student 2: Really!!???
Student 1: Yeah, for being gay I think.
Student 2: And he was *called* Gaye. Weird. His dad didn't shoot him because he was CALLED Gaye, did he?
Student 1: No that would be stupid, he had the same name.

Woman: (smiling) It was good. Very good.
Man: (looking pensive for a split second and then correcting his wife's ungroovy lingo) - It was COOL. Very COOL.

Coworker1: Do you think Angelina Jolie would do a sex scene?
Coworker2: I'm pretty sure she already has...um...
Coworker1: I bet she would.
Coworker2: That's what I'm saying, I think she has, I've SEEN it.
Coworker1: I bet she'd do a three-way.
Coworker2: ORIGINAL SIN! That's what it was called.
Coworker1: I bet she'd do a sex-scene with her brother.
Coworker2: You need to stop thinking about this for a second.

mother: Yes, all good reporters use pencils.
daughter: what do bad reporters use then?
mother: ...biros

My mum and I were walking the dog and talking about how we'd off my father (semi-jokingly)...walked around a hill and there were a bunch of people sitting there looking a bit stunned.

Ah well.

YOU CUNT!!!!

Two uncomfortable seconds later:

...do that! You cunt. You simply cunt. I don't beleef you.

-- mark s (mar...), September 5th, 2001

Upon reflection, an accurate assessment.

I say this all the time. I think it started as a joke, but today I said "I haven't talked to you since last time!" without thinking anything of it until afterwards.

Best thread ever.

Guy1: Guess who I saw at the mall the other day.
Guy2: Um...who?
Guy1: Richie Sambora!
Guy2: Didya now?

Woman 1: So... how do you know when to turn the CD over?
Woman 2: You don't, it's just one side.
W1: So... what's the other side for?
W2: ...
W1: And how do you know which side is which?
W2: Well, sometimes the blank side has, I don't know, manufacturer's information on it or something.

WTF? I mean Woman 1 was fairly elderly but even so...

"I'm outside the toilet just now...........yeah, I'm absolutely bursting.............do you dare me?"

Guy: "..;but it transformed the neighborhood!"
Other guy: "Yeah, it filled it with annoying white girls."

What the hell was she talking about if not head lice? Crabs?

Businessman One: "I mean you're literally a billionaire, right?"
Businessman Two: "Yep."

"I love Tori Amos because I love it when the mythical slides into delerium"

Ouch! It still hurts to think about it.

http://www.gleeson0.demon.co.uk/sandman/delirium.jpg

ihttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/Mandalion/lucynumberone2.jpg

As such, we use that to break off pointless arguments.

blonde girl - "LOL, Look at my sons eyebrows"
brunette girl - "OMG LOL, what have you done to your sons eyebrows?"
[to son] "LOL, what has she done to your eyebrows? OMG LOL"
blonde - "LOL, He wasn't born with any, LOL "
brunette - "Oh you poor thing, LOL"
Both Girls - "LOL, OMG, LOL, OMG, etc etc"

Then they went on to ask me "ey luv! who do y'think looks oldest out o' me and 'er?"
I refused to answer.

"people are so much more good-looking now than ever before. when you see people from TV in the 70s they are all butters"

"Ooh, I've never seen that before," she said in a brash Ayrshire accent, "does it no irritate yer fanny?"

A: How would you assist someone who needed to vomit?

B: Pull their hair back.

C: Massage their belly.

D: Maybe you could paddle their arse?

I know what she means.

"When I get home, you'd BEST be naked. NAKED WITH A CUP OF TEA AND A BOWL OF BAKED BEANS."

Thugged out guy in late 20's or early 30 A: So, is yo girl trying to make you get a job and shit?

Thugged out guy in late 20's or early 30's B: No.

Thugged out guy in late 20's or early 30 A: That's how you know when she really loves you.

I was walking back from the shops, having bought pastries and things for Sunday brunch, and as I walked up my street I noticed a young Jewish guy in skullcap and white sunday suit standing on the side of the road, opposite me. Thought nothing at all of it - it looked like he was waiting for a car, maybe. He then calls out "hey, who are you waiting for?" across the road and I look ahead of me and see he's talking to a tall thin man who is in full top hat and tails regalia - white gloves, patent leather pointed shoes, cravat, the works. He almost looks like he might be dressed to be a butler or town car driver, or is going to some very fancy event. He stares calmly at the young man but does not answer. Young man again shouts "who are you waiting for?". At this point I just thought it was because he also was waiting for someone, and thought this older guy might be it?

But the tall top hat man said, slowly "who are you?". Young man gets slightly cross and again repeats "no, who are you waiting for?"
"Who are you?"

This went on in true Vorlon style for a minute or so, eventually young guy says "I'm Rosco, WHO ARE YOU WAITING FOR??"

The older man says, in a very slow and very strangely pronounced, RP english stagey voice, "I am Ronald, please state your business?". OK this is getting weird. I've passed top hat man by this point and have to keep glancing back, only to see top hat man crossing the street to approach young jewish guy, who is holding his hand out, palm forward, like some kind of policeman! He says "Community watch! WHO ARE YOU WAITING FOR", with his hand held up and backing away slightly.

Top hat man pauses, then walks back across the road to his spot. He didnt seem at all ruffled by this young guy's rather bizarre paranoid gated community shtick, but then again his own stagey pose was equally surreal.

And then I went home, the end.

The guy sidles up to the shelf and looks for something then says, "Damn! Not there!" He then turns to the girl and says, "Or as Homer Simpson might say: D'oh!" She nods and smiles and the guy sees his chance! He continues on. "Actually I was saying that before him, he stole that from me." She says, without looking up, "Oh really?" He grins suavely and says, "I should have patented that, you know? Made a lot of dinero. Robert DeNiro, haha. You talkin to me? Haha" (???)

At this I think my jaw actually dropped. She looked around and waved to the non-existent person by the door and said, "My friend's waiting. So long."

She walked out quickly, definitely shooting a look behind her to make sure he wasn't following. The guy continued looking at books and muttered to himself, "She'll be back, dude."

That's where I left.

trayce i really want to know the story behind your story.

ihttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v212/etienne_saint/Shaun_of_the_Dead_1.jpg

trayce i really want to know the story behind your story.

Me too! It bugged me all the rest of the day. Who was that strange top hat and tails man? What WAS he waiting for? Why have the jewish families in my street taken it upon themselves to play vigilante all of a sudden (ok maybe this one is something they're careful about anyway).

A mystery indeed.

"THE GANG BANG WAS GREAT!"

Then they piled into a beat up Crown Victoria and sped away.

A couple weeks ago some girl was talking on the phone and suddenly asked whoever was on the line, "So, have you ever asked your mom if she's had anal sex?"

For all you New Order fans out there:
New Order fan (at Reading '98) to unconverted friend: "New Order? They're like...GODS!"

-- DG (rgreenfiel...), September 4th, 2001.

DG, the originator of I Love Everything, might well be interested to know that Hiro, a not-actually-as-swank-as-it-seems club situated inside the Maritime Hotel, which itself is on the Chelsea-side outskirts of the suddenly ultra-riche meatpacking district in New York City, was host last Thursday to a NEW ORDER DJ SET (i.e. Peter Hook playing records). ILX regular Dan Selzer was on just after him, my ex-roommate was working behind the bar, and maura and her lovely boyfriend joe were my companions - so it was a very fun night indeed - until afterwards, which i may get into on some other thread where the subject is more explicitly about the police.

in any case, very early in the evening, when it was still possible to overhear things, these two fake-tanned Club Bitches approach the bar and as they pass me i hear, in the most clichéd "lieeeke, ohmiGOD" voices i could have possibly imagined: "I got in SO much trouble for NOT licking her pussy!"

er...

in my living room, roomie's sister talking to other roomie:

SIS: "well, our pastor hates the word 'modern', so our sunday evening service is more like, i guess, a post-modern service."

SOMEONE ELSE: "(inaudible)"

SIS: "yeah, the problem is, he's good at guitar but he doesn't have any rhythm and our usual drummer lives like an hour and a half from las vegas."

Girl1: "I can't believe she didn't know Paul O'Grady was gay!"
Girl2: "Some people are just like that though.... My nan's a real homosexual."
Girl1: "Homophobic. Homosexual means you is gay innit."

"The only thing with Klingon is, there's no verb 'to be'..."

the person he was talking to looked slightly dumbfounded "a kitten?" - as I did until I realized what he was trying to say.

"Raja, I think you mean 'pussy'."

"Yes, yes, a pussy, you are being a pussy!"

I walked away.

Idiot!

?? This makes perfect sense. It means "I know you haven't been here for a long time, and you might think that I would have been here since, but actually I haven't". Like if a friend from out of town turns up and says "let's go to that bar we went to last time", then when you get there you might say this.

Tuomas, it's 2005 and you live in Finland for god's sake - mobile phones have been able to play mp3s for years!!

Dude 2: Hey, did you know milk cures PMS?
Dude 1: Yeah?
Dude 2: Yeah. (pause) I bought my wife a cow. (Chuckles to himself).

FIN

"This is absolutely fucking ridiculous. I told you not to process that check until the 18th, and you did it anyway. I specifically said....."

(pause, pacing briefly)

"No, bullshit. Listen to what I'm saying, Mom."

"Man, you got me...the ovaries?"

It went something like this, “ I couldn’t believe it he came in shouting, banging doors and then went into the bathroom and puked up loudly in the sink, dirty bastard. He didn’t even use the toilet. Then he starts talking to himself like a fucking mental case and groaning til about 4 this morning.” when I’d finished my rant, I walked past his door and noticed that he hadn’t left like I thought, he was in his room awake and well within hearing range. Doh!

J: "Yeah! But we have to be careful that it doesn't become raver energy, or too-happy energy, or the gym energy..."

D: "Of course...."

J: "It has to be Andrew W.K. slash E.L.O. energy, we have to style it out, or else..."

"If you fuck it, they will come"

Naked man #1 : So, how are you coming along with the smoking?
Naked man #2 : Well, I don't smoke.
Naked man #1 : Still keeping it up, then!
Naked man #2 : No, actually I've never smoked.
Naked man #1 : Good for you. GOOD FOR YOU.

She: This is rather nice.
He: ...
You could do that, couldn't you Michael?
He: mmm

On train this morning:
Student A: yeah so I have to read something called Ulysses?
Student B: Ulysses?
Student A: yeah I don't even know what it is. I mean, is Ulysses some kind of monster? I think so... sounds like it, you know something like the Loch Ness Monster?

I'm starting to wonder if he's all there.

'oh really? yeah, i listen to this one station, most people haven't heard of it. indie 103.1...know it?'

(funnier if you're from L.A.)

...and...

"I always put peanut butter and hot sauce on mine."

"Hey, I'm the one who's in love - I get to pee first!"

Boy 1: What's your favorite flavor?
Boy 2: Your mom.

"I brought my newspaper into work so people could smell it."

Heard at 2:00am on the Vegas Strip,woman, to her significant other:

"Pamela Anderson! Hey, babe! Look!"

(guy at vending machine) "Hmm...What should I get, Meredith? M&M's? Naw...I can't have chocolate. Oooh! Skittles! That way I can taste the rainbow, not that I haven't already. *laughs*"

Something tells me I've heard that one before

(don't tell me what he stole it from)

I actually don't know - I really just feel like I've heard it somewhere.

"oh yeah- that's leonardo da vinci. he's kinda famous..... He's from that movie, the davinci code"

Outside the Uffizi museum in Florence.

"daddy, did jesus ever come to the states?

uh, no honey.

Why, was he afraid of planes?"

In the Sistine chapel.

The other night, walking out of a bar:

Girl on phone: "-- FUCKING with your HAND?"
(mild chuckling from everyone around)
Girl on phone: "Oh my god, I just said that really loud, hahha. (pause) But I can't believe your mom SAID that!"

"daddy, did jesus ever come to the states?

uh, no honey.

Tell it to the Mormons!

so the other day I overheard two pretty youngish girls, one with a Dalton sweatshirt, at presumably pre-class outdoor cafe breakfast, and one said, I'm basically remembering right, "I guess, like, he sorta has a persona"

is it possible they were talking about this guy?! HOW DO I SHOT MY LIFESTYLE INTO A BRAND?

also, yeah, he lives in model-ville

also, it is all downhill for most of us after 13

today in HMV, a group of girls going through their xmas shopping list..

"Okay help me with this next DVD. It's something called 'Transformers' the original one, it's a cartoon. And apparently it's about a car that can transform into a robot."
"I'm in the T section, I can't find it."

"they only had to take out eight inches of her colon, which is great!"

been there, done that.

Teenage girl walking out of her house:

"If it scars, I'm getting plastic surgery, start saving up!"

"So why do you think Romania is better than Bolivia?"

Small boy, to twin, at grocery store: "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Mother teasing her daughter on the bus: "You got your Harry Pothead book with you?"

guy to chick on train, i think they were discussing juno: "quirky is the new precious."

my colleague discussing an author's failure to meet deadlines:

"His promises are scribbled on the wind and written on the water".

GIRL: No no no -- yeah. Yeah, no. No, no, yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, no.
GUY: Yeah.

middle-aged promoter guy in designer t-shirt: "if you put 1500 people on the guest list, nobody is going to be able to get IN."
youngish guy with boy band haircut: "but isn't that a good problem to have?"

middle aged blond mullet guy who just pissed with the door open: "My piss smelled like ether!"

same guy I don't know showed up at my house again, overheard from the next room: "It was like a fuckin' retard show. With all the retards. *shaking his head*...fuckin retard show..."

"I'm always gonna be chillin' in my environment, just keepin' it natural as I can."

Damn, that doesn't really capture the full awesomeness of this guy's speech.

"KISS were like awesome, they wouldn't leave the stage, everyone was cheering, they were like 'oh we've been asked to stop playing, but we're gonna stay and play', and then they were like 'oh here come the cops, we gotta go', it was great. You didn't see KISS did you?"

"no"

"SUCKS TO BE YOOOO"

"he looks like a cross between j mascis, as he is now, and daniel johnston ... as he is now"

a couple of years ago at a festival.

[pregnant woman on bus, to boyfriend]: "i was chainsmoking today cuz i was missin' u"

I was stood on the corner in Soho, and Tim Westwood passed by, talking on his mobile. All I heard was the phrase 'Hip Hop vs. America'

"He was a retarded chicken nugget. Who was purple."

Classic bcz the topic is obvious, totally free of context! Also a charming interpretation of the Grimace's mysterious status.

More McDonald's fun, involving an American woman at the Charing Cross location: "Raaawwb, they don't have chicken selects here!"

[If she'd've gone up to read the full menu instead of standing halfway to the door looking at the giant pictures of food she'd know the UK does in fact sell chicken selects. Best part was they'd already been to Pizza Hut and had a small boxed pizza in hand. Homesick, maybe?]

at work two people were needing to take the elevator down, and stupidly got on an elevator going up. one of them protested, but the other insisted they needed to do this, explaining they would have to take the elevator back down when it reached the top.

the other person protested that they were just going to see the same people in the elevator on the way down, but the other person insisted they needed to take the up elevator to go down.

fairly sure if this confused them, the job must have pummelled them

Hip-Hop dude coming up the escalator Grove Street PATH stop: "Yo, we just came across the water and already I'm noticing a drastic reduction in filth and fashion"

ancient black guy coming up to me at work today in his rascal scooter, vocalizing the tune to Strangers in the Night with the words 'Scooby-dooby-doo-scoo-scoo-scoo-scoob-and-Shaggy-too'

uf you heard someone walking around munmbling about filthy dominicans, thats me. never trust a dominican

'i mean everyone and anyone has got to watch out for his mental insaneness, like !'

^^^some vicky pollard-a-like in a caff yesterday

Female Intern: Who's Stan Lee?
Laid Back Male Intern: He's like the Leonardo of comic book artists
Pretentious Male Intern: Well, (sniff), of the second generation of comic book artists
Laid Back Male Intern: Ok whatever, the Rembrandt of comic book artists

but but but.. stan lee isn't an artist!

excerpted from a longer post on the Chicago thread about the hilarious pompous dude sitting the next table over from me at a restaurant:

[To set the stage: the dudes were talking about signing up for one of those organic vegetable things where you get a bag of organic groceries direct from the farm each week]
A: How do you know what vegetables you're going to get? Like, how do you know you won't just get a bagful of asparagus. You know how I feel about asparagus.
B: Well, you wouldn't get asparagus because it's not asparagus season.
A: That's good ... but what about when it is asparagus season? Can I, like, opt out for asparagus season? Because you know how I feel about asparagus.
B: ...
A: Look - I love my green vegetables. But you know how I feel about asparagus. [looks at list of vegetables you get on his friend's phone] Hmmm ... these look pretty good though. But are they certified organic?

but but but.. stan lee isn't an artist!

It always seems weird to people like me who don't know anything much about comics that the people who are the real gods of the scene are the people who write the text, and the people who do the drawing don't seem to get anywhere near as much fanboy adoration. You know, seeing as to us non-comic-reading philistines being able to draw seems like a pretty rad talent to have and the main feature of "comics" as a concept, and the actual text seems like a less interesting deal, in a way.

But! That is not for this thread. Just sayin' cz it's made me shrug on a few occasions listening to somebody babble in worship of Alan Moore or Warren Ellis or Garth Ennis (lol total Britisher comics perspective?) or whoever and not even mention the art.

Two geezers approaching one another in Leicester Square, one yelling to the other:

"Is it there? Is the fucking money there? It'd better fucking be there."

"I'm not trying to recruit her! I don't want her! I fucking hate her, the bitch."

Actor Michael Rapap@rt who I sort of love saying to a friend " . . . sometime something something HERPES something something" then looking back over his shoulder and yelling to me, "Not me, I don't have herpes!"

Overheard at a Starbux the other day: ""Unpasteurized is more healthier because it doesn't have the preservatives for a shelf life. Pasteurized is pasteurized."

""..and then he swaps the baby for an ipod.."

"she's still technically his wife cause he passed away before she signed the divorce papers, but she had been livin with this other man in colorado and she just had a baby by him and how are you still gonna go to a man's funeral wearing the wedding ring when you're pregnant by another man in colorado"

"he asked if I was 29 or 30 and I was like well I'm just not gonna say 29 or 30 because if you were under 30 and you were going out with a girl it'd be better if she was 29? Right? Right? RIGHT? So I'm, like, I'm not gonna, like, 29, 30, whatever. And then his friend like just asks me *outright*. And I just, erm, I just lie.

(pause - guy says something quietly)

So yeah, I just lie and say I'm 29, because he asked me, like, outright and ifyour're20somthingit'sgonnamakeadifferenceifyourgirlis29andnot30. So I totally lied and now, now, now he thinks I'm 29 and not, like 30".

(pause)
(pause)

(Guy): "If I was you I'd forget all about that conversation"

"They want to shine at someone else's expense. I shine at my OWN expense."

"yeah well I have a different interpretation of Jack and Jill than she does"

not so much 'best' just bizarre as i walked past two guys on campus

'He wont even marry her! the fucking faggot!'......HUH?

At the bus stop coming home from work. Overweight (late?) middle aged woman to older man: "I GAVE you my ass!" And later something like: "That was a one time thing." Seems like he had some idea that he had a claim to it.

Yesterday on the bus some woman was going on at great length about the terms of her parole and the fact that she had to go on medication and she didn't want to but she was going to do it because she didn't want to go back to jail and HIS OWN MOTHER TRIED TO TURN HIM AGAINST ME, BUT HE DIDN'T LISTEN BECAUSE HE LOVES ME, and so on.

Unbelievable some of the stuff I hear on buses here, actually.

"I've never seen a white ice cream man."

- "I think I'd like to move to Oregon. Theres no sales tax there."
- "My grandfather was shot in Oregon."
- "Oh. I'm sorry. Was it bad?"
-"Yeah. He died."

(Two baristas in Starbux.)

I am in a coffeeshop, sitting next to a guy who is arranging a "bi/poly deal" over the phone for his "female friend, who is a very sweet girl" and " what I would say... umm... it's not one of these 'I'm a horny guy who wants to crash it deal'...I know that it's a woman, rather than a guy, and women generally are welcome and single guys are generally not... but if you show up with a woman that's another matter, but a guy coming himself... heh, heh, oh REALLY?... well the stereotype is that us sci-fi guys are all virgins.... you think? you think? well, you're a tall good-looking guy, billy, so I can understand why they might take you instead of, I won't name any names... I'm 53, but I look a little younger. When I was younger, when I was 42, I brought a 19 year old... and just to keep in mind I'm not looking for something for myself, I'm more into one on one things with young girls, just asking for a friend. keep it in mind..."

in an airport, on the phone:

"I have a conscience, I don't need yours"

well-to-do couple on tube:

mrs pigbottom: did you just scratch your bum and smell your finger? don't do that, stop it stop it *smacks his hand*

mr pigbottom: *too out of breath to speak*

2 minutes pass

mr pigbottom: *wipes sweat away from upperlip*

mrs pigbottom: YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

watching them slowly realise the whole carriage were exchanging glances / laughing at them was so so so so classic

"She wants to write for WHAT? For a magazine? For this, for that?"

"... I would be the guy bashing down the doors and you would be the promiscuous tomboy..."

^snippet overheard between two forty-something men.

"... let's make lots of money ..."

'fuck you fuck you fuck you FUCK you you're a fucker, mummy'

Four year old having quite the tantrum outside the window

"... I would be the guy bashing down the doors and you would be the promiscuous tomboy..."

^snippet overheard between two forty-something men.

― ERIC CANONTA FOR PRESIDETN! (onimo), Tuesday, January 24, 2012 10:31 AM (20 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

man those guys are living life

those guys are tory mp's

Girl at next table in restaurant: "He said he would die for me, so I said 'go on then, die!'"

"her boyfriend came home and caught her drowning the youngest in the bath"
O_o

Is it wrong to hope it was a kitten?

That happened in LA a day or two ago (mother tries to drown her two kids - one dead, one in extremely critical condition). Probably talking about the news story.

Could be, but it sounded like she was talking about someone she knew. This was in Glasgow btw

http://www.ksee24.com/news/local/Mother-Snaps-Tries-to-Drown-Children-While-Father-Away-139456808.html

Fucking hell :(

Queuing out side a nightclub in Peterborough, circa 2000. Girl to her friend (thinking nobody could hear) "I could do with some cock in me tonight"

I was at Saver's today, and as "Genius of Love" played over the PA, one employee said to another, "That's the last time I ever James Brown with you."

i wish i could have heard more, but busy pavement etc

big burly guy in suit
"Nobodies fishing it, and nobodies blogging their tits off!"

(he could have meant phishing, who can tell)

"It was ridiculous. They wanted me to write to ask for permission to get married in the church just because I had never been baptised or been a practising Catholic."

Woman on train not getting the ridiculous bit of that situation.

"Is Robert Johnson dead?"
"I don't think I know him."
"Used to play up the golf club, bit of a fuckin' lunatic..."
"You mean Ronnie Johnson?"
"Aye, Ronnie."
"Aye, he's deid."

shame, how norway could use him now

few years back in Dublin I saw this couple exiting a shop, and as the man opened his wallet he said to the woman: "well... it's either baby food or cigarettes".

"Don't fucking phone me again until I can hear you!"

"Oh you mean Atlantic City? I meant at the bus stop."

"Either way, he's definitely going to be deported."

"The last thing I remember, you were wearing a hockey mask, talking about Frosted Flakes."

(guy on phone in break room)

"I didn't kill nobody's husband, and I sure as hell didn't ask for John the Baptist's head on a stick"

woman in a small crowd outside of a church in Philadelphia

"I heard you was beatin' people up for oranges."

"It's a good thing I did go to jail. If I would have married her I'd have strangled her." (That one not quite verbatim. I was trying to keep track of too much, since the material kept coming.)

I live in kind of a rough neighborhood of Albuquerque, but it's not really that rough. Really. I wouldn't be here still if I felt threatened. I don't walk around at night though.

New neighbors. I'm not sure my landlord's mom does as good a job vetting new tenants as my landlord does.

"I heard you was beatin' people up for oranges."

lol

Also something like: "All I do now is kick it and blaze."

I think the guy he was talking to just got out of jail so it actually makes a little sense.

(said angrily, in an office-lunch type pub) "I'm *not* German and how do you know my name?"

heard a few years ago. still try to figure it out from time to time.

"...and then my therapist got in a car accident. It seems like everyone I get close to...everyone I touch... Well, thank you. Have a good morning. "

Guy in my office cafeteria, to the cashier.

LOL

10 am this morning on Whitechapel Road, London. A guy in his 60s with four of his front teeth missing, shouting down his mobile "Just put a gun in his mouf and rob him!"

I almost died, there was blood coming out of my ass. And he was like "don't shit in front of my house!"

fizzles could it have been "no I'm *germam* but how did you know my name?"

german

"It was so good I wanted to, like, motorboat the cheesecake."

woman in my office

high school girl to friend on the E train in Queens:

"Ranjit only got into Sarah Lawrence. Do you even know what Sarah Lawrence is?! It's like this college for rich kids who aren't dedicated."

I need to get my eyes checked. I keep shouting "Hey, bitch!" but then it's some cunt I don't even know

Love that this thread exists. A couple faves:

Mid-2000s, the mall, two 50/60something ladies: "I used to think Katie Holmes was a nice girl, but who knew she'd turn out to be such a nosebag."

A year-ish ago, the cafeteria at my university, two maintenance workers: "Yup, so many abortions that should've happened."

Just caught my own typo (autocorrect?). "Nosebag" should read "hosebag." Though overhearing someone call Katie Holmes a "nosebag" would also be memorable.

several times at work today I thought about a 50/60 something lady calling Katie Holmes a nosebag, I'm disappointed to find out it may never have happened.

I'm in the States:

Guy on phone:

'Yes, we have to show we're a millionaire company. He got his haircut, he's gonna wear a blazer, nice slacks. I'm getting a haircut right now, I'm at Supercuts'.

I seriously wish the entire world could be listening to this guy talk on his mobile phone.

Howd u get on?

(loud voice) 63, its bollox, he gave me 0 for 2 part ii and i know for a fact that-

Oh 2 part ii, the gaussian elimination?

......................
................ whats gaussian elimination

haha

20-something woman on subway, to friend: "To be honest I tried so many different kinds of beers and shots on St. Patrick's day that I wasn't even in control anymore, that was Jesus."

"I couldn't work in an office, that's not a real man's job!"

:(

"Is there a such a thing as tri-polar? Because I think..."

(Midwestern twang) "David BOOwie?? I don't know ANYBODY likes David Boowie!"

"That German dude? I would go elbow deep in that bitch."

There used to be and possibly still is a site called Overheard in Dublin.
Unfortunately despite starting as a very laugh out loud selection it got progressively diluted by banal shite taht just happened to be overheard.
It has put out a number of related books, I picked one up from a charity shop and it was a dozeathon. But I think the 1st one was good.

But yeah have heard a number of things that you wish you heard the context for over the years.

"... So I watch her gamble, but she has to watch me shop."

"I'm a lawyer. He's a jeweler. But not in a bad way."

I tried so many different kinds of beers and shots on St. Patrick's day that I wasn't even in control anymore, that was Jesus." Still too many people like this around.

One of the all-time threads, doing the Lord's work. Can't believe I never saw it before!

"Cubs... cubs... cubs... CUBS?"
"Cubs."

I didn't realize it was that serious. Of course he was always making jokes about how she had "water", but...

Male State Department Guard (loudly): ... buy a lot of alcohol and then drink Gatorade on the beach all day!
Female State Department Guard (disinterested, staring at her shoes): Oh yeah?
Male State Department Guard: Yeah, that's how you do it. You gotta forget your troubles, forget your problems!
Female State Department Guard: Forget about this place?

Reading that I was hoping FSDG would say "And go downtown?"

Walking out of ballet tonight, I won't do the accent:

"In Russia, is something similar. Is called Wampyrs ball. Is totally music only by Bonnie Tyler, is exact like this we have seen tonight but with wampyrs."

Not gonna lie to you I would totally rather have seen the Russian bonnie tyler wampyre wersion, and that statement us never not gonna be true whether I'm talking ballet or breakfast cereal.

a few weeks ago i passed two people standing outside a bar who were in the middle of what looked like a fairly intense debate. they quieted down as i walked by; a minute later, i heard one of them say, "it's only because the OTHER animals don't know how to milk the cow!"

(At Mcdonalds)

"Hi Chris, can you ask someone to please sanitize that table over there. We were just at mass and we're wearing our mass clothes. Yeah, could you please ask someone to sanatize that"

Two businessmen today walking by us

"Nipple cream"
"Nipple cream?"
"Yeah they all have it"

Had to confirm with herself but yep that was the exchange

guy at service canada employment next to me

how do you sign in
i dont even know how to sign in
ugh
sigh
rinse cycle repeat

i used to be able to put a time to things, but now i cannot
like i try to think of when my surgery was and i cannot even remember
like what are time lines, i mean i remember when you kids were born because there was a date
and a reference point, but now i dunno

you dont have to pay so much rent at your age you can just have sex

i have a website about myself

middle-aged couple ahead of me in line at the grocery store: "are we getting enough toilet paper for this food?"

They need to realise I'm an ARTIST not a researcher

killing is her art

she was about to paint her masterpiece but was obliged to research it first so there may be a knock on effect in terms of delivery

Nina has a very unique, very grounding energy in a group of people.

"I've enjoyed the last 19 years"

We're always in Birmingham for Ocean Colour Scene. It's the only reason we come to Birmingham.

The person in front of me in the bus queue this evening was talking on their phone in a language that I don't speak. Except for one sentence in English: "Trust me, I hate every inch of this godforsaken place.". It took a lot of self control for me to not burst out laughing. Because England is a godforsaken place.

To be perfectly honest I'm not sure who was the bride and who was the groom.

Overheard on the bus.

"How's your leg these days?"

"Up and down."

Sometimes side to side

"I'm straight. I play 3lv3n C0nqu35t." (don't Google the un-Googleproofed version of that - it's some dodgy hentai game)
On the bus, said by an 18 year old Andr3w T4t3 worshipping idiot. It took all the physical self control I had not to burst out laughing.

we decided that as well as the skiing in winter we had to do tennis in the summer so now we're looking for a tennis club for the boys near barcelona. nice and warm.

in a bathroom:

"It's ok, I'm not offended that you're doing drugs in there"

We're always in Birmingham for Ocean Colour Scene. It's the only reason we come to Birmingham.

― dear confusion the catastrophe waitress (ledge), Wednesday, 3 August 2022 14:09 (seven months ago)

Poor Birmingham. It doesnt deserve such slander.

Two girls behind me in high school math class: "Does it make me a slut if I'm only easy with one guy?"

middle-aged couple ahead of me in line at the grocery store: "are we getting enough toilet paper for this food?"

― Simon H., Monday, March 11, 2019 4:22 PM (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

this is amazing

my favorite one of these was at a show once in college, i think at irving plaza, armchair critic gives his verdict on the band to his buddy: "too much mumbo, not enough jumbo"

He was in one of those Soviet places, not quite Soviet, like Turkey or Turkmenistan or one of those. We can’t get you home they said, but we can get you to Germany

They took him to Kazakhstan overnight, and everyone gave him a weird look. There was only one car.

Then they flew him to East Germany and from there to West Germany

ah i missed a bit out

He was in one of those Soviet places, not quite Soviet, like Turkey or Turkmenistan or one of those. It was Hungary, thats it

We can’t get you home they said, but we can get you to Germany

They took him to Kazakhstan overnight, and everyone gave him a weird look. There was only one car.

Then they flew him to East Germany and from there to West Germany

I was having to type so fast into textddit to try capture what I could, there was more but i couldnt get it fast enough

hes leaving bucks fizz, mike Nolan

Really? did he die in a car crash or was he badly injured?

Badly injured