JJJUSTEN MAKES ONE SENTENCIRIFIC REVIEWS OF ALL THE CRAP THAT HE WATCHES LATE AT NIGHT ON NETFLIX STREAMING XBOX SOMETHING WHY BECAUSE HE BORED ALSO BECAUSE

Feast II - Mostly funny, somewhat crap, features titties for no reason, ugh that babby scene C+.

Snuff: a documentary about killing on camera - aaaaaaaaggghhghhhghhhhhhh maybe kind of souldestroyingly well done but like a really unpleasant punch in the face B+ but i dont recommend anyone maybe actually seek this one out

do you want recommendations too?? i have seen some f'd up crap thru streaming netflix

OH YES

My Little Eye - kind of effective low $$$ horror movie with no suprise mediocre acting and yawwwwnnnn plot but weirdly effective despite the fact that one of your random dudes that shows up is that guy from alias and the hangover also peeps in bad situations need to get less stupid B+

i just realized that Feast II is not actually streaming, I actually made the post office drive that here but i drank some gin and tonics and forgot

good late night fodder: The Signal, My Little Eye, The Experiment. All those are like bloodier versions of a rehashed twilight zone/outer limits episodes.

lol xpost

hahahaa i love both of the other movies you listed too!

donkeypunch has a good soundtrack, lots of naked girls, and a guy who talks like mike skinner. lord of the flies on a yacht with zero logic.

Shrooms - oh you are a mean spirited but well done movie, thx britishes, yer horror movies are making me happy these days A-

yeah sounds like you've exhausted what I've found! i will have to check out shrooms

Nick and Norahs Infinite Playlist - you were unwatchable after/during the first 15 minutes F-

btw i am not a time traveler, i am accessing my terrible late night decisions over several months

Supidity (the documentary) - you entertained me for a while, but hey i am not actually stupid so your cheap logic tricks started to pale quickly, also noam chomsky should get a better agent D+

Hey look, John's not dead!

Baghead - totally blindsided me, v v good, indie moviemaking comedy w/tiniest bit of horror elements, highly recommended A

Cocaine Cowboys - solid doc about the INSANE cocaine trade in miami in the late 70's - newsflash drug dealers can be bad bad people B

no wai

aren't all drug dealers lovable scamps with hearts of gold who just took a wrong turn somewhere along the line

ill tell you what the "godmother" of the columbian medellin cartel is the scariest person i never knew existed.

Dead and Breakfast - i appreciate the effort and moments of you were funny but you lose points for having the narrative structure be half bad comic book panels and half bad roots rock zombie band also too many of the wrong carradines C-

things i will not stoop to viewing no matter how many times instant watch suggests them:

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua
2. Ace Ventura Pet Detective Jr.

wait, JUNIOR????????

oh yes.

here i one of the taglines they used for promotion:

"He's the burping, farting, snorting, spitting image of his dad."

WELL SIGN ME UP

http://www.iwatchstuff.com/2008/11/24/ace-ventura-jr-trailer.jpg

WHY HELLO SEE YOU IN YOUR NIGHTMARES TONIGHT

http://www.mouseclubhouse.com/interviews/josh-flitter/ace-ventura-jr.jpg

GOD HATES US ALL

definitive proof the God exists and he really fucking hates us

hey that "Tripper" movie that David Arquette directed with the slasher killing neo-hippies while wearing a reagan mask? its a piece of shit. D

just wanted to post here to let you all know about the existence of Cocaine Cowboys 2: Hustlin' with the Godmother

ok this is a rule breaker again, but last night around 1 AM i found the netflix that had slipped into the back of the couch cushions and watched it without really bothering to check what it was first

13 Tzameti - pretty tight little thriller from a georgian director now living in france, slow to roll but when it gets going its pretty masterful, lots of that french film mojo where people act with their faces and stuff, but not enough to make you slip into a coma, hardcore tension with no gore, all in all a wicked but not mean little movie well worth watching (added note: for the love of god, dont watch the trailer first or linger on the dvd menu screen because it will ruin the key turning point in the movie because apparently execs at palm pictures are no talent fun hating swine) A-

I read "this is a rule breaker" and thought "no fucking way, he watched 'Ace Ventura Pet Detective Junior'"

hahahahaha

i also watched an episode of cold case files about the "weepy-voiced" serial killer and discovered that he was active in STPL/MPLS in the early 80's including picking one of his victims out of mickeys and another from the hexagon bar o_O

Didn't he end up getting his ass kicked by a prostitute?

yeah, she beat the hell out of him with an abandoned tab bottle on the floor of his car (although he did stab her a bunch of times with a screwdriver during the process).

sick puppy nursemaid duty has led to me having a whole bunch more of these i should get around to

Man On Wire - ok i think i get the hype, pretty artful, fascinating story, a little odd that the whole thing sort of peters out and halfasses the most dramatic and compelling turn in the story but what do i know i watched saw iv three days ago by choice so who am i to judge B+

1st episode of Tripping the Rift season one - ahahahahahahaaaa NO. F

deadgirl - this is going to be another one of those recommendations that isnt really one, i thought it was great, some weird rivers edge/brick/donnie darko/grossout horror flick blender action going on, really really mean spirited, another wonderful film designed to make you feel like people are just basically horrible and evil, dont know if anyone else should really watch it if they dont want to feel dirty and simultaneously violated and entertained, oddly wacky and slapstick in all the wrong parts, at least one (maybe both) of the leads is shockingly brilliant and will probably never get cast again. A-

note: there are a bunch of unrelated movies called dead girl or deadgirl or the deadgirl, this is the most recent one AFAIK

btw how is it possible that there are 3 fucking seasons of tripping the rift that show is completely shit-shoes

fall from grace - a documentary on the westboro baptist church god hates fags crew that is chilling and fucked up and terrifying, not exactly balanced, but uh these people are constitutionally protected evil so what are you going to do, however they did prompt a new username so praise jesus. A

oh btw for those keeping score (and these numbers will get updated as time goes on):

Results 1 - 10 of about 501 for "fred phelps" poopchute

WE CAN DO BETTER

Cocaine Cowboys 2: Hustlin' with the Godmother - not nearly as interesting as the first one, maybe because i had much more information about crack in LA thx to the UNBIASED MEDIA and all, still pretty insane at points, sullied by the decision to make this more "street", pointless poorly done interstitial animation including a hilariously unwarranted PORNO CARTOON. B-

did you watch primer yet? its pretty good

i saw that a few years ago and really liked it. getting pretty frustrated that there isnt a ramp up in good horror on teh streaming netflix for this whole its october deal.

speaking of which:

P2 - stalkery slasher film (the good old man chases lady trope) with some weird pacing, extreeeeeeme violence in tiny snippets, and some of the worst overacting by a villan in recent memory, oh and hey its all set in a locked parking lot so it has sort of that locked room feel except they just keep conveniently adding stuff they forgot to mention (oh did we not mention the rental car office inexplicably located within this underground garage for an office building until it helped us find something else to do with the plot oh hey whoops our bad) all of which adds up to a sort of empty meh with a few jumps and a bunch of ewwwwwwww GAAAAAHHHHH gore moments. C+

haha i just reread that abomination of run-on sentence but i am committed to the thread concept so pbbbt

That Mitchell and Webb Look Season One - totally fucking brilliant, how have i never seen this before, stupid american televisioneers. A

ace ventura jr. is getting a sequel.

well i sure hope it is ace venture the third esq.

you should check out Wicked Lake if just for the cameo in the first 5 minutes. also there were lots of titties and lesbians. (somehow I still fell asleep 10 minutes in so it is probably really terrible.)

i am also hoping you will watch this: http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/Spymate/70045838?trkid=1266358

Vantage Point - cinematography pretty good, story not all that, matthew fox cant really act ever can he? B--

The Perfect Witness - Shockingly good, way above expectations, solid acting, dark and weird and creepy. A!

oh dang is vantage point only a minute long???

wait, perfect witness, shit

Vulgar - Just terrible terrible terrible, one more reason to keep kevin smith off airplanes, like a fever dream of audience hatefuck, but somehow incredibly boring, total waste of 80 minutes. F.

say what now? xpost

spoiler alert : Vulgar is about a party clown that gets gang-raped by a dad and his two sons, and then tries to keep his national tv career safe from the videotaped evidence after saving a young girl from her dad in a police standoff.

O_O

oh and it stars that dante dude from clerks as the clown

and ethan suplee (you may know him as "rotund dude in butterfly effect" or "guy who can not see the sailboat" or "earls probably maybe special needs brother") as deliverance rapist brother #2

run dont walk to your local video store

that is the weirdest plot synopsis i've ever read

ps. happy birthday! (belated)

also, jason mewes in a pointless cameo probably intended to keep him off the pipe for a few minutes

ps. THN+XING @ U!

what the

like how did it even occur to you to watch that

I just read the Wikipedia article on this movie and my previous question still stands

49th Parallel - LOOK OUT AMERICA! Canada will not protect you from the Nazis, they will only give them tea and send them south.

xp I'm with Dan. I don't understand how you choose your movie-watching, John. It's like you're choosing them from another dimension!!!

"a movie produced by Kevin Smith about a clown raped by hillbillies? SIGN ME UP"

if you're going to discover the wonders of fringe cinema and some of the finest unsung moments ever committed to celluloid, somewhere on the way, yer gonna see some clown rape.

so did you not read a plot synopsis or blurb before deciding to watch this, because "Kevin Smith pays hillbillies to rape a clown" would pretty much make my decision for me

it's not like someone said "this is a remake of 'Funny Games'" and pulled a switcheroo on you, is my point I guess

hey if you're going to marry a prince, you're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs clown diddlers on the way.

you misspelled "CLOWNSTAPP" btw

its hard to soar with the eagles when your stuck down here flying with clown rapists

btw your assessment of Vantage Point is pretty OTM, although I find Matthew Fox's seeming inability to play a character who isn't Charlie Salinger kind of charming

(side note to dang - did you watch/enjoy the "Funny Games" remake?)

the big saving grace of Vantage Point was the car chase, which was like bourne-worthy work.

I did not watch the "Funny Games" remake because I was so incredibly incensed with the bullshit directorial asshattery of the original getting in the way of a genuinely entertaining, frightening story that actually made the point the director was going for without the extra helping of oversmug cockdom that I refused to watch it even though it has Naomi Watts in it.

oh yeah i think i saw you talking about that on another thread

it was the remote thing that you hated right?

Yes. I was fine with the psycho dude mugging for the audience, but bringing it back into the story and allowing him to rewind the entire film with their remote control turned the entire thing from an engaging, at times horrifying hostage story and into a meaningless piece of trash that wasted some really excellent performances.

idk i was down with that, one more layer of crushing infuriating helplessness, but poking the audience in the eye instead of the protagonists - but it was jarring for sure.

and i totally understand not being down with it, it just worked for me.

sorry for the derail.

^^^ all of this is making me laugh, so thanks for that, even though the phrase "clown rape" is certain to destroy any hope I ever had of peaceful sleep ever again

sticks and stone may break my bones
but words can never hurt me
unless those words are "clown rape"

Amen.

i don't get the 'instant' thing - i thought it was just like hulu or something, but apparently i need some kind of special device to watch on my computer?? someone explain this to me, please.

do you have a mac? netflix streaming is unfriendly with most (not that old) older macs.

Comic Book Confidential - starts strong, then sucks pretty badly when it turns into some boring "dudes awkwardly read from their comic books" nonsense, last half is basically a rotten mess. C

oh also live action zippy the pinhead should have been left on the cutting room floor in the bad embarrassing idea pile

nah i've got a new vaio. we called, and apparently there was a 'hold' on our account (even tho it was in the two week free trial??) but they never explained why - they just took it off.

World's Greatest Dad: ok so lets get this out of the way first "starring robin williams directed by bobcat goldtwaith" and so you go in expecting no go awful muckpile and then to my total astonishment i LOVED THIS MOVIE, it would seem that for me bobcat succeeds where wes anderson fails, pulling together this compelling dark weird hilarious bittersweet world built on awkwardness and the true facts that in real life people rarely connect to each other no matter how close they are supposed to be. A+

D.I.Y. or DIE: short documentary about way too many DIY ethos artists (srsly there are 32 interviewees and the thing is less than an hour long) that has some kind of great moments but lingers way too long on some at the expense of others and never really digs in its heels and find a direction, also has maybe the most hilariously pathetic half-assed student film intro i have ever seen. B

The Gits: considering the subject matter it seemed like this would be a pretty bracing and punishing documentary, but it was weirdly detached and odd in tone and sort of fell flat, some great musical moments but was expecting a lot more from this B-

B is a pretty generous grade for what you describe about D.I.Y. You must be mellowing in your old age.

Impaler - so you start off with a documentary about a self-proclaimed satanist vampire who is running for governor in minnesota in 2006 and THEN THINGS GET WEIRD, no srsly, the places this story goes (which are actually in the end rather tragic and sad) could not be a passable plot for a mockumentary because they are so implausible, despite the very amateurish mic and film technique this is stellar and would be the centerpiece of my imaginary documentary film festival that takes place in my head. A+!

I feel bad about my one sentence rule here because i am not doing that justice, i watch a lot of documentaries, and this one totally blindsided me (see this is why i watch stuff w/clown rape, who would have guessed that a vampire political doc would be one of the most touching and disturbing things ive seen this year?)

haha i saw the impaler a while ago - pretty sure i implored all you minnesotans to watch it! yeah it's a shame about the shitty production, because the story itself is just... mindblowingly weird and fucked up.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathon_Sharkey

tbf I am more likely to watch a movie that has won awards at film festivals than I am to watch a film produced by Kevin Smith that features clown rape

k was sleeping on the couch while i watched it, and when i woke her up afterwards i tried to explain what it was about and realized it is so surreal and insane that words kind of dont work. although the production is super crapola, the editing is kind of brilliant, and the main dude (assume its the director? idk) strikes that perfect balance of involvement, he has this uncanny ability to prod just enough and then let the interviewee spill - the trailer park dudes and most notably all of the children in the film, who kind of just break your heart.

hahahaa ok i was worried that the wiki would be a spoiler possibility but it just scratches the surface of the profoundly disturbing and bizarre story the documentary tells.

i felt really bad for the wife - brainwashed (my guess) into the whole 'romance' or whatever of biting each other hard enough to draw blood (and 'drink' it!).

ew

New Guy - super low budget (50K iirc) comedy that turns into a thriller/suspense comedy part way through that actually pulls off both in a letter perfect way, the smarter comic sensibilities of "Office Space" with the restraint of the UK office plus an oddly tense (while still hilarious) suspense second half that never loses its way, totally amazing and recommended for everyone srsly. A

and no not that "The New Guy" monstrosity w/that skinny DJ Squalls douchebag in it.

i feel bad that im not selling this as hard as i should but it is early and the coffee is still brewing. its a fantastic and incredibly fun and funny film.

Louis C.K. "Chewed Up" - stand up thing that is obv "edgy" blah blah whatever but the last 50 (out of 60) minutes of it is pretty great, ex mr. show writer so you def know what you are getting into i suppose altho his stuff on being a parent is pretty fucking hilar, too bad that the first 5 minutes totally turned me off to him the first time i tried to watch this months ago, but i dont care if you dedicate yer thing to carlin at the end, yer "look at me i am using the BAD WORDS" thing doesnt have the skill that carlin had, so (even tho you obv are not) you just end up looking like a bigoted asshole. B (first 10 minutes F, last 50 A-)

Eden Log - Very stylish french apocalyptic mysterious sci-fi, great cinematography, totally enjoyable to watch, loses points because the streaming version seems to be dubbed (not badly, but eh that always sucks imo) and the ending doesn't quite pay off the "what the hell is supposed to be going on" that you get for the majority of the movie. B+

Big Fan - directed and written by "the wrestler" dude, stars patton oswald what could possibly go wrong, oh i know, a shitty script that is slow and boring with exactly one laugh that you can tell is supposed to be a dark comedy but is really just painful and unpleasant to watch, hated this a bunch really. D

semi-facetious question: how do you reconcile being a fan of horror movies with disliking things that are unpleasant to watcy?

this was the wrong kind of unpleasant to watch - sloppy code word for unenjoyable or in most cases boring and dull.

that does raise and interesting question that i have often wondered about re: why some people are wired to enjoy those moments of cringing "aaaaggggghhhh om my god aggghghhghh" horror moments and others just aren't. ie: i totally understand why hostel II (which i will argue is a really well done film) is just plain unwatchable to a huge group of people, and i am curious about why i react differently, while still NOT enjoying the torture scenes per se (which is why the "torture porn" genre grouping makes me really really angry).

sorry that was totally unfocused, what i am wondering is what makes me react positively to scenes that viscerally bother and disgust me - its like some second level emotion that i dont understand, where the pleasure comes from enduring the unpleasantness somehow.

none of which alters the fact that "Big Fan" is a big steaming pile of poo

start another thread so I don't dilute your scorn of "Big Fan" with ongoing allegations that you totally love torture porn, just admit it

Triangle - scary deserted boat movie by the writer of "Severance" that is wrapped in convoluted loopy plot twists and turns which would be fine if it weren't for the fact that NONE OF IT REALLY WORKS AT ALL and at the end you just become angry at how infinite the plot holes are and decide to go outside for a while and throw the dog a ball to cleanse the stupid out of your head. C

xpost hahaha yeah well given my completely inarticulate ramblings here i worry that any thread i started would be one long one man self-clusterfuck so

i am now addicted to adding shit to my netflix queue. i mean, i don't even watch all that much stuff on it, i'm just addicted to browsing and endlessly rating shit and adding other shit to my lists.

yeah i had 400+ things in my instant queue last time i checked, and i regularly hit the 500 limit on my main queue

dang! i think i'm at about 250 on the main and maybe 80 on the instant, and we've only been signed up for a week or so.

i don't think i could ever go back to using a regular video store again.

Torture Porn (a film thread)

hahahahaha dan we are awesome, check new answers

lol

xp When you have 500 movies in your queue, you can still endlessly amuse yourself by re-arranging them. Trust me on this. I know.

Crips and Bloods: Made In America - I could swear that I already wrote about this somewhere but app not, that peralta dude that did dogtown turns his attention to the historic aspects and genesis of LA street gangs and it is close to a perfect film, riveting and stylish, and the narrative arc moves around in time in a way that is stunning and devastating. A

Run, Bitch, Run - ok so yah yah all these peeps talking about you being a homage to 70's grindhouse and a modern i spit on your grave and so on but god this is just awful and amateurish and sloooooow, the actors suck (oh hey one of them is also a producer what a shock), although tbf there is that almost closing scene which was pretty much effective in that i actually felt physically ill and upset, but hey, SPOILERS if youve seen one vengeful anal knife rape youve seen them all END SPOILERS. D

A Certain Kind of Death - its a documentary by the way, mixed feelings about this one, the subject matter is pretty compelling because its all about what happens to unclaimed bodies after discovery, its a movie that will grind you down because despite the best efforts of the people involved it is pretty much a machine for tasteful former people disposal, really depressing tbh but also kind of empty because of the over-detachment of the filmmakers (which is a doc criticism i never expected to make), also if you are not prepared for unflinching on screen genuine gruesome dead peeps in various stages of icky decomposition you really really dont want to watch this (and let me point out it isnt exploitative in any way, but it turned my stomach plenty of times). B

ok, changing the format here a bit because I don't think I can do it justice in my usual run on style. Just watched one of the greatest and most heart-wrenching documentaries I have ever seen. I'm not going to summarize it, and I am still too shaken to even really intelligently comment on it, but I will say that I don't think any movie I've ever seen has made me lose my shit and cry as many times as this just did. It is fucking brilliant.

Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father - A+

btw my recommendation is not to dig in and find out anything about the story covered, go in unprepared if possible.

maybe plan out some follow up happy viewing to come back from the cliff though.

oh and to make this clear, LOTS of the choices that the filmmaker goes for are not great moves, but you will forgive him as the story unfolds (and you'll understand why i say that when you see it)

FAIR WARNING: SRSLY DO NOT WATCH UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO BE PRETTY MUCH EMOTIONALLY SCARRED FOR A FEW DAYS AFTERWARDS

you are so otm about this. we watched it last year without really knowing much about it, apart from what was on the back on the dvd box and a strong WATCH THIS NOW from a friend. def the most heart-shattering piece of filmmaking i've ever seen.

on a lighter note: world's greatest dad, which i watched on your reccy, was just totally hilarious and moving.

I guess I can plan to watch this movie in, like, 20 years then... not ready for it from what you are describing!

i don't think i really understood the expression 'raw emotion' until i watched dear zachary.

See, I can't figure out when the right time to view a film like that is. I'm feeling pretty low lately; is this going to make it worse? But if I'm in a super happy mood, that seems wrong, too.

I didn't used to be such a wuss.

there probably isn't a 'right time' - but don't watch it with anyone you'd be embarrassed to break down in front of, bc you would have to have a heart of stone to not get super upset watching this.

Got it.

I think pretty much everyone has seen me cry at movies, tv shoes, and occasionally commercials, so I fear what this content might do. At some point I will see it, I'm sure... I just don't think now is a good time. :(

Aftermath - On the plus side, its filmed by a dude with an amazing eye for detail and color and shot choice and its short, but the downside is that it is a 30 minute clinical detached gorecrazy look at hyperreal autopsy footage and necrophilia, not really sure how to rate this because its so so odd, def not a horror film, but gaaaaaah, and yet the craft is completely spectacular, so basically i cant help but feel like its a really gifted filmmaker who has chosen to make a film that NO ONE really wants to see. A- and F at the same time?

wow this thread makes me seem like 90% of the time my film choices are completely insane huh

just so yall dont start to think im some creepy dude with all my windows covered in black plastic and a cd of looped animal torture sounds playing, i also watched "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" on DVD and once it found its stride it was pretty awesome. also 2LDK which was really pointless and dumb

Don't be silly, John. Everyone knows you are a creepy dude with your windows covered in black plastic and a cd of looped animal torture sounds playing (insert Skinny Puppy joke here).

But it's all part of your charm! ;)

This Is England - Really amazing semi-autobiographical early 80s coming of age movie rooted in the skinhead culture of the time (both racist and non) w/great script, great performances, an amazing eye for the details of the underpinnings of friendships and gang mentalities and the grey areas between the two, totally compelling and a must see A+

You Kill Me - Hitman AA romcom with ben kingsley and tea leoni that rolls out pretty slow but has some great moments and even if the ending is a little misguided and cheap its still worth the path to get there, despite the subject matter really kind of a light comedy, but a decent way to spend an evening and a couple really perfect comedic moments marred by a few standard tropes that seem kinda tacked on and have the whiff of studio interference but what do i know. B+

The Art of the Steal - Extremely biased documentary about the controversy surrounding the fate of the Barnes Foundation collection of modern art, stunning, fascinating, infuriating, perfect in every single possible way really you should just stop bothering to read my drivel and just go watch it right now A+

Dreams with Sharp Teeth: Doc about Harlan Ellison, which teaches you exactly one thing, that if you weren't already aware, Harlan Ellison is a hilarious crazy motherfucker with some dark secrets, but its a lot of fun learning that one thing, pretty gripping because dude is just captivating on screen, despite the fact i dont think ive read any of his stuff A-

dont worry i still watch stuff i hate sometimes, this cuddlebuddy lovefest will be interrupted soon i swear

lies, you are now a total care bear

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs311.snc4/40890_462190210548_544085548_6729190_2679193_n.jpg

!!

hahahahahaha

hey jj what is your strategy for finding this stuff? do you browse on the computer or rely on the xbox suggested viewing queues?

i have a queue full of 'classics' that have been on my list forever and i never both to look at it

watched most of "The Art of the Steal" last night, thought it was interesting despite the redundancy and hyperbole. Looking forward to watching the last half-hour someday.

yeah i dont do any of it on the xbox suggested, that seems A)annoying B)kinda poorly updated. i use instantwatcher.com a lot, especially to get a rundown of what is just releasing. other than that its just kinda the down the rabbit hole sorta approach - you start diggin in the documentary section and theres loads of good stuff for instance.

xpost: yeah i need to call my friend in philly who is a museum curator (historical not art) and see if i can get the inside story on the whole thing. if u take the movie as accurate it def makes you cringe as to how many times you hear credits to the pew charitable trust and the annenberg foundation on NPR.

instantwatcher.com

intersting

ok what the fuck

http://instantwatcher.com/titles/100200

# 17 with a bullet

uh

(btw since I can't find anywhere else to put this kinda stoked that the "Red Riding" trilogy just ended up on streaming since i meant to see it in the theater and then kinda forgot)

yeah i'm hyped for that! was it ever in theaters around here?

(btw since I can't find anywhere else to put this kinda stoked that the "Red Riding" trilogy just ended up on streaming since i meant to see it in the theater and then kinda forgot)

why did glowing vampire taints make you think of that

"kinda forgot" in this case being shorthand for "ended up in uptown and then got drunk enough that i didnt get around to seeing the movie i went there for."
xpost

yeah it had a one week run at the uptown i think

ok netflix needs to stop being stupid and get part 1 of the trilogy on streaming u fucking clowns

omg

Below - thriller/suspense/ghost? thing helmed by the dude who did pitch black and partially written by darren aronofsky (but not enough to fuck it up) that is all based on a WWII era us submarine w/early role by zach galifinakis and like 30 other people that you will recognize for sure, some jump scares but def not gorehoundy, and man oh man implacable dread of something being wrong combined with the no escape vibe of submarine being hunted by a german warship is thick heady suspense fodder, and as a result this movie is way better than expected and in fact is kinda awesome! A-

there is a scene in below that might make it into my top ten creepy moments of movies in the 2000s

i've been trying to get people to watch this film for years, it totally owns. what moment is the top ten creepy one btw. the mirror?

yep!

this red riding 1st part problem grows more annoying by the day, since i have part 2 and 3 just sitting there taunting me.

maybe ill just get the DVD and OH WAIT THE DVDS DONT RELEASE UNTIL THE END OF THE MONTH

City of the Living Dead last night - its a blur-headed unfocused mess plotwise, but yeah the gore scenes are pretty nuts, and the upside down graveyard is kind of amazing, lots of laughable no $ effect things like the badly felt covered styrofoam coffin, but man when it hits it hits hard, and i will always be a fan of the camera flashes to ZOMBIE (albeit zombie generally = actor w/some jello on their face with living grubs stuck in it) without warning, not for the squeamish despite being 30 years old - Fulci is a mad bastard with really very little interest in tastefulness. B+

(BONUS COMMENTARY: the scene where the actress pukes her (literal) guts out while her eyes pour out blood was accomplished by finding an actress that was actually willing to EAT TRIPE AND THEN REGURGITATE IT ON CAMERA according to imdb. GOOD TIMES!)

Wow, it REALLY took a lot to get a job in those days!

red riding 1974 finally on instant watch btw

hey john have you tried watching it yet? i started, but it died at about the 1 hour mark. i've restarted my computer multiple times but it just goes to the same point in the movie and stops buffering at 49%. but watching any other movie is fine. is it just my computer??

Haven't tried yet, but wow will I be irritated if that is the case.

it works all the way through for me?

speaking of:

Red Riding: 1974 - well i wasnt exactly expecting a romp but this is def a cheerless movie, pretty much dark and dank all the way through, gorgeous visually, perhaps a bit slower than you might expect and built with a strange uneven pace although it is never really boring so much as slightly unfocused and semi-coherent, also its kinda motivationally lacking for a bunch of the characters, not sure why some things were key and others were sorta just dropped by the side, eh still pretty good tho. B

just watched all three of these today. pretty grim, v complicated plot (altho that may have just been me), beautifully filmed.

ok so as a cooldown lap from crazy visitor weekend, we spent monday night watching terrible b-movies, so ive got a bunch of these.

Fear Chamber - Boris Karloff in one of his last roles (maybe last idk) plays a scientist who leads his son to discover a intelligent rock formation that feeds human on human fear so he captures ladies at the "Institute for Employment of Foreign Women" and scares the bejesus out of them and extracts their fear energy in a big ole syringe which of course sounds like it cant miss but unfortunately the entire film transfer is actually slightly out of focus, and produced in english by a mexican production company so EVERYONE is overdubbed and the titular fear chamber looks suspiciously like a shitty state fair trailer mounted haunted house with the addition of a sex dwarf(!) and a scary lesbian and a mental patient named lobo that appears to have an ACTUAL lobotomy scar and upon further research may have in fact been cast by getting him on loan from the local mental institution, and also it is just a terrible movie. D (even given the b-movie grading curve im using today. unfun)

to be fair we only made it about 25 minutes in before giving up, so maybe it breaks through and shines in the final acts

"Below" was good!

"New Guy" was pretty awful!

Red Riding: 1980 - def a step up from the first one, didn't realize that its directed by the dude who did man on wire and wisconsin death trip, very different style visually but still v v lush, makes me realize that u brits have it all over us when it comes to the quality of yer tv, realizing that this is a series where paying attention is of the utmost importance, lots of subtle clues etc, also was not expecting paddy considine who is as always awesome, still not the fastest paced thing in the world but seemed to have hit the stride unlike the first one, looking forward to 1983. A-

glad you dug below btw, re: new guy - idk, something in the tone and the sense of humor just hit a sweet spot for me, also doesnt show the seams of its super low budget all that often esp in the acting (which is rare). last 10 minutes is definitely a little bit of "uh waht" tho which is a shame.

I just found the plot twists generally incomprehensible and I thought it looked pretty shabby.

oh i also forgot another one from the b-movie weekend

Spider Baby - straight up no question the funniest so good its bad movie i have seen in many years (maybe ever?), that secret combo of not making any logical sense and being filled with talentless hacks and a script that seems more assembled than written, but with an oddly fast pace which is rare as hens teeth in shit movies like this, def worth giving a shot to on a night where getting drunk and taunting the screen sounds like a good plan. A- (NOTE: GRADED ACCORDING TO UTILITY, NOT ACTUAL QUALITY)

"so good it's bad" eh

ha

this is what happens when i type on ilx while on the phone pretending to pay attention to a dude on the quest for "ULTIMATE TONE"

the title "Spider Baby" is seriously creepy, though!

I hope you sold that dude a Bowflex

i actually resolved his quest for ULTIMATE TONE by calling here from my cel phone and telling dude that the other line was ringing and i had to go

which i do, maybe, a lot

hahaha that is awesome

well it was revenge movie tuesday at the fabulous jjusten estate so:

The Horseman: dark dark film about the reaction of a father to the loss of his daughter under unpleasant circumstances, lots o carnage and bad times for arguably bad people but this weird beating heart of almost compassion and sadness underneath, the agonizing feeling that there is something not quite right about the way the protagonist is behaving and he is aware of it too, which comes across well because the lead actor is simply stellar and makes all the right moves to make it all work, and considering that this is the director/writers first film iirc it all works amazingly well, altho subject to that weird bluish dark tone that seems to have beset modern gritty cinema but oh well. A

RED: this one is odd, its another revenge thing but way slower, calmer, more implacable, also the main character is 70+ years old so there is a different motion to the whole thing, tom sizemor is in it but thank god keeps his clothes on and his usual tom sizemoreisms to himself, actually the cast in general is kinda striking because youve seen lots of them before, one kinda unutilized side plot and a few hamfisted summary moves from the kinda not needed reporter character (who is maybe the only sorta not so good actress in this), lead actor is pretty great, also for a botched production with a walk off the set initial director (lucky mckee, who i think is fantastic, but seems to be hard to work with) the end result is stunningly solid, and both terribly sad and strangely redemptive. A

I also watched MacGruber (on disc) and it was a horrifying pile of shit.

and BAD BIOLOGY has its own thread so

Black Water: more aussie creature horror for the gore grist mill except whoops its DULL AS FUCK and srsly if you ever wanted to watch a movie that mainly featured three people (and well less as time goes on but) sitting in a tree trying not to make noise for 75 minutes well hoo boy have i got a show for you, to be fair it is capably done i guess and there are tiny nits of tension hidden under the slog but over all blarrhrhrhhrrgghhh D+

i have a ton of these to catch up on so this might get a bit hectic

no worries, we stand ready to read your reviews

(well, at least I do, now that I have finally gotten enough sleep)

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus: ah man terry gilliam just cant get a break, peeps die, planes buzz his set, studios slash and burn his stuff in post, but yknow this time somehow he actually pulls together the broken pieces and makes it work (too bad the marketing dept kinda softballed this as a kids movie which btw HUGE WARNING LETTERS FOR PARENTS holy shit it is not) - theres not a lot of sense made here but yaow for the first time since brazil it looks like a gilliam film, and to put this in perspective i am no fawning fanboy at this point thanks to tideland being one of the worst most punishingly bad films ive ever seen, plus there is the bonus of watching american treasure johnny depp recreate ledgers performance so well that it is honestly pretty fucking eerie, colin farrell looks like a guy thats in the movie, jude law fucking blows tho. B+

Penn and Teller's Magic and Mystery Tour: i dont even know what the hell they were trying to do here, looks like a failed pilot but yknow that isnt shocking since it is deadly boring with a light dash of xenophobia thrown in for fun, teller talks a lot tho so if thats been on your bucket list uh here you go. D

The Wild and Wonderful Whites: A remarkably sympathetic doc about a full on hillbilly outlaw family still rolling along in West Virginia getting in fights, shooting each other, and having other sordid psycho "fun" but lest this sounds like a rootin tootin fun ride through bucktoothed backwoods git-r-doners theres some teeth in here and the film maker stays out of the picture for the most part, letting 4 generations of whites lay out their insane worldview for all to see, so for example when moms buddy starts crushing up pills on the maternity room side table for her it hits in all the right emotional spots. A-

John, sometimes I think you choose movies to watch by putting up a list of the most bizarre titles you can find and then throwing darts at it.

Not that I'm judging that or anything.

Bomb It: theres like a million grafitti/hip hop documentaries out there (including some obv classics that are kinda unfuckwithable) and of course most of them are train jumping bullshit puff pieces about how awesome artist X is and how they are the true street etc etc etc but holy shit this is the real deal, rolling through the globe and getting in depth about non-NYC world graffiti culture and garnering some absolutely amazing moments in the process and some sobering meditations on the commodification of it within US culture vs areas where it still holds significant political weight, closing with a brillant return to a graf artist in LA that just gets SAVAGED by their own brainless statements about how important they are after watching dudes in south africa painting a mural on a shantytown in front of a team of wide-eyed kids stuck living there. A

dude, did you ever see "Rize"?

my movie choices are determined by a long scientific process that usually involves the early AM hours, some booze, and an instant watching queue that consisetently hovers between the 450-500 range.

xpost yes i did! and despite the fact that i hate hate hate lachapelle, its pretty incredible imo.

the slow motion bits in that were pure insanity.

The Descent Part 2: formula appears to have been take all the legit tense stuff out of the first film, add a bunch of stone ass stupid characters that make the dumbest decisions possible (particularly the trope laden gruff and tough dont give a fuck small town sheriff) make a couple of decent choices along the way and then make sure to bleakify the ending for no reason other than probably hey the writer is a dick. C

American Grindhouse: lets just get the ilx incest factoids out of the way and mention that a famed old ilx troll executive produced this at the start, so moving on this is about the least interesting most cursory scan of grindhouse ive ever seen, and thats not because i am some grindhouse guru or anything, but down to the quippy title cards that intro each segment this is a halfassed skim with no information that you havent already seen in one of those commercials that IFC runs all the time trying to get the hipsters to upgrade their cable, minor points awarded for the early historical stuff which is interesting but only lasts for the first 15 minutes of the movie before it turns into a "here are the names of some blaxplotation movies and then some talking head will yammer about nothing" i love the 80s routine. D

oof, after that you should treat yourself to some Eegah!

DUDE I LOVE EEGAH!

I don't think I've laughed that hard at MST3K since... well... I don't know. Maybe "The Wild World of Batwoman" or "Manos: The Hands of Fate"

im kinda obsessed with getting a high quality audio rip of the song "Vicki" from Eegah! actually.

omg

if ever you find such a thing you had better let me know

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk41zSoFlDc

(skip ahead to 1:20)

oh no there is an entire arch hall jr album available for me to buy

have you seen MST3k do "Mitchell"? because uh you should really see "Mitchell"

I saw it yeeears ago, it's on my list to rescreen

Pretty sure I need to screen or re-screen every MST3K ever, just to be sure they are all still okay. ;)

My kids are really excited to have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year, btw.

I just watched EEGAH yesterday

Cropsey: one part documentary, one part creepy urban legend, 3 parts meandering amateur filmmaker wasting my goddamn time. D

as a quick aside i have been netflix streaming three different episodic tv things and all of them are awesome.

Archer
Parks and Recreation
Dog Bites Man - this one in particular kinda went under the radar but oh man its pretty great

okay gonna check out this Dog Bites Man shenanigans because the other two are AWESOME-O

Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue: ok in stark contrast to the grindhouse thing up there, this treads the same stylistic ground (to the point where i am kinda assuming they got rolled out of the same production house) but hits the mark incredibly well, if people ever wanted a totally effective primer to the evolution of american horror filmmaking this is the doc to watch, predominately safe for between the finger peeking level horror peeps (not to name any names) viewing pleasure w/o the onset of nightmares. A

this would be a good time to admit that I had nightmares about the soup-feeding scene in Planet Terror the night after watching it and kept looking at my wife's sleeping back and imagining all of my potential exit routes should she roll over and try to eat my face

Cropsey was disappointing. I thought there was a germ of an interesting movie there but:
a) documentarians sticking themselves in front of the camera for no good reason = ugh
b) blair witch cheap-scare scene with no point = ugh
c) was hoping there would be more about the actual Cropsey urban legend, instead of just using it to class up what is essentially an episode of Dateline Mystery

yeah dog bites man got kinda shafted by comedy central i think - it was before the rise of galifanakis so he didnt really have any star power to drive it, also the caveat 5 episodes in where they add the "only the 4 principle members of the series are aware that this is fake" just shows that audiences where too dense to realize that most of the people in the show have no idea that they are being fucked with (which leads to some totally o_O moments later on btw).

xxpost eeeek

yeah, that wasn't a pleasant evening

yep 2 days of being sick = lots of these on the way.

Hank and Mike: indie comedy about the easter bunny industry that follows 2 easter bunnies that fall on the wrong side of corporate downsizing and are forced to make their way in the real world and honest to god its one of the funniest and best executed comedies ive seen in a long time, nearly every line hits the mark and despite a little bit of heavy handed SOCIAL COMMENTARY that didnt really need to be there the movie as a whole is a total treat and well worth watching. A!

S&Man - documentary about the super gonzo wing of the indie exploito hyper-gore horror business, toetag pictures and their ilk that is actually fairly depressing and sad, i little meandering and unfocused with a weird disconnected subplot about voyerism that makes attempts to hitch up with the matters at hand but never really does, and one particular thread (staying spoilerfree here dudes) that completely and absolutely squanders whatever good will i had for the film. C

Dogs Decoded: Nova - hey yeah guess what i like dogs this is about dogs fairly informative dogs dogs dogs B+

The Human Centipede: First Sequence - well you knew i was going to get to it eventually, the first 1/3 of this is just kinda awful because the 2 women cast should not be allowed to act or attempt to deliver lines (which lol the director does find a solution for i guess but i digress) but the bad guy doctor is fucking amazing, and once we get past the troubled girls lost in teh woods crap the movie pulls no punches, and although i get the feeling that tom six (the director) is a grade a self-promoting dick, you cant fault the way the dude works a camera, and some of the later scenes have a starkness and coldness to them that is really kind of in its own world to the point where w/o the kitsch factor part of me is pretty blown away by how good this movie almost is, but grading deflated because seriously the part where the women have speaking roles made me want to beat my head in with a wrench. B+

wait, so women acting poorly is beyond the pale but removing jaws and sewing them together ass-to-face is A+ excellent movie?

you are the weirdest guy

heh it is almost enough to make me revive that "why do peeps enjoy horror" thread. lots of horror fails thx to shit acting imo, general horror stans tend to turn a blind eye because lol gore, but idk, have some standards.

Beer Wars - fairly eye-opening doc about the beer industry, w/lots of statistical o_O moments regarding the hammerlock the big three (well now 2 i guess) have on the industry, esp the ancient and stone stupid three tier system, unfortunately the information was better than the over cutesy presentation by the film maker so its a bit of a slog at times. B-

The Chair - better than the box art would have you imagine, but unfortunately that doesnt mean that its really any good, low budget detached not all that scary snoozefest, i think maybe ive just seen all the possessed by murderer films i need for this lifetime. D+

Stuck - ok now were talking, despite going into this with low expectations thx to the starring role of forehead lady from american beauty, this is a hell of a film, not horror per se, although yknow its about a dude being stuck in the windshield of a lady who hits him so theres blood and unpleasantness for sure, acting is great throughout, esp steven rea who is just great in everything hes in, dark exploration of the morals of self-preservation and the way we redefine the world to fit our place in it, some clever inversions of stereotypes and only a couple of groany social comments, weirdly funny but in such a black manner that the laughs show up well after the delivery of the lines. A

I Think We're Alone Now - a doc about 2 Tiffany superfans, one of whom is intersex and the other is autistic, but unfortunately it is a great cautionary tale about the fact that just finding interesting people and filming them doesnt make a good documentary, it just makes a phtojournalism project on people who have sad empty lives and their pain, and this movie in particular has no heart whatsoever, you can almost hear the tittering behind the hand while the camera rolls at times which given the suffering of the subjects is close to intolerable, also daer filmmaker you can take yer slacker oh lol lets hold up pieces of paper in front of the shot to make title cards treatment of this whole thing and shove it up your ass, along with your hateful little movie. D-

finally I no longer have to hold onto the dark, dark secret of jjjusten's Tiffany obsession

Well, I knew about that in 1990. Where were you, anyway?

I think he was alone then

He has no one but himself to blame.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK2bBfuepKk

you should watch this

I will watch that. Not on netflix streaming yet tho.

Oh, NOW you have standards.

attn SR-C

check out LA music artist GLASSER

you will totally luv her

okay, I promise to try to do this later today... I'm PROMISED Alex I'd watch a "Buffy" with him, and I'm knee deep in laundry for some reason. Also I know I have to make Special K bars, scalloped corn, and a chocolate chip cookie pie and let Austin into the kitchen to make sweet potatoes. So yeah, while I destroy my kitchen later, GLASSER it is.

I have totally failed to do this today, which is somehow not the least bit surprising.

The Wild and Wonderful Whites: A remarkably sympathetic doc about a full on hillbilly outlaw family still rolling along in West Virginia getting in fights, shooting each other, and having other sordid psycho "fun" but lest this sounds like a rootin tootin fun ride through bucktoothed backwoods git-r-doners theres some teeth in here and the film maker stays out of the picture for the most part, letting 4 generations of whites lay out their insane worldview for all to see, so for example when moms buddy starts crushing up pills on the maternity room side table for her it hits in all the right emotional spots. A-

watched this tonight on yr rec and it really was amazing - i really got a soft spot for kirk, but really the whole family was so charismatic... i mean, they lead some fucked up lives and do some v v fucked up shit, but i couldn't help but really feel for them.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work - man went into this doc super stoked because the makers were the ones that did that devil came on horseback doc about the massacre in dafur and joan rivers is kinda awesome and old and mean and batshit plus theres been kinda an infinite stream of rewards from aging post celebrity stuff imo (eyes of tammy faye, that rickles doc, etc) but mainly my impression here is that joan rivers is fucking fascinating but the dudes who did this doc have dull brains and lead eyes, because not once did they work to capitalize on what they had in front of them, so the whole thing sorta degenerates into a year in the life of joan rivers exercise without following down any of the paths of interest or cracks in the seams so although i gave it 4 stars on netflix basically in the hopes that joan gets some $$$ out of more people watching it (and seriously, she could have made a better and more honest movie just running around with her own camera crew) this piece of empty fluff gets a C-

My wife got me watching Fashion Police on E! pretty much solely to see which celebrity Joan Rivers is going to call a tacky whore.

Big Nothing: david schwimmer simon pegg jon polito what could go wrong oh yeah everything, as long as you were hoping for a movie that is discernably a comedy instead of a pile up of ooh im so dark moments with minimal laughs, people need to be reminded that making a good dark comedy is actually really fucking hard to do so we dont all have to get buried under endless spew of this sort of mushbrained dreck, deeply reminiscent of that ice harvest movie that cusack/thornton were in except actually somehow even worse and more wrongheaded and shitty, also diabetes doesnt even work like that you dummies. F

Blood Into Wine: a nice little slice of life documentary about a regular joe giving up his day job to make a run at starting up a winery, but the trick is that the guy is Maynard James Keenan and his day job is being in tool and a perfect circle and his winery is in the desert in Arizona, so there is an angle to be had, weird tone, very funny (featuring a notable once in a lifetime segment where Tim and Eric from that awesome show great job thing are actually funny no i know that is impossible but srsly, i dont understand how it was done either) and pretty capably filmed and structured, with some cool insight into the weirdness of the outsider wine industry and a decent attempt to dispell the OMG MAYNARD IS THE CRAZIEST OF THE CRAZY CRAZYPANTS I HEAR HE DRINKS HIS OWN PEE stuff that seems to circle around him in the public fanboy eye. B+

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard - yes, Jeremy Piven is in it and yes as we all know he is a terrible terrible man but nonetheless this is dumbheaded sub-anchorman comedy done right, although none of that comes from piven who mostly walks around stinking up the place but the supporting cast is magical and completely rolls out a no embarrassment allowed throw it at the wall and see if it sticks and most of the time it does, tbh the movie had me at the line "Nobody tells DJ Request what to do!" and held from there, i mean good lord its dumb as hell but it cuddles up to its lowbrow and makes it work. B (loses one letter grade for pivenness)

not even going to try and catch up here

Mystery Team - ok so i guess that in the tradition of those broken lizard mopes who hit it big with super troopers and then shovelled shitpile after shitpile onto humanity, the thing to do these days if yer a comedy troupe with ties to the UCB is to put out a movie and see what happens, which in this case is not all bad, these dudes are apparently called Derrick comedy and despite an urge to try anything funny or not in sort of a grab bag fashion and a very boring standard "every 15 minutes do something disgusting" mantra theres some fairly funny stuff here, lead dude ended up getting his role on community thanks to this movie, or so says imdb/wikipedia and the rest of them all seem to be busy writing, also insane amount of cameos here so i kinda doubt the veracity of that, charming yet dumb but what the hell. B-

High Lane - so the french, who are otherwise obv not the most trustworthy types in the world have been banging out some pretty solid gutpunching horror for the last several years, so when i saw a summary of this and realized that it was kinda a reimagining of the descent, but replace caving claustrophobia with terrifying dizzing mountainclimbing suspension bridge gonna kill you agoraphobia i knew it would be worth a shot and of course i was 1000% completely fucking dead wrong, without even getting into the horrible dub job which is hard to skip because FUCK YOU but i digress, once you get past that you get 20 minutes of promising stomach dropping cant breathe terrifying mountain climbing nightmare vista near accidents, which are beautiful and stunning, then the crazy maniac shows up and its like some dude just walked into the movie swinging a leaking pail of shit and no one escapes without getting coated in stupid, godawful, redeemed only by the fact that you kinda want everyone in the movie to die and YAY most of them do. D

Shadow - ok lets get the bad stuff out of the way here first the ending to this is pretty ??? and there are framing aspects that are reeeal questionable as well, gratuitous excess of mountain biking and so on, also director is in some italian pop band so well, who knows what to think, but once you get past that theres something interesting going on here, not the least of which is that the dude they cast as the baddie is ultra menacing and unpleasant, and there are some turns that really work, and although the motivations at hand are a little surface level there really isnt the usual unbelieveable mess of reasoning you might suspect, and at the end even if you shrug at the directors message it isnt enough to ruin the film, just maybe tarnish it a little. B

did you ever see CHUD 2?