late bloomer

About the other thing, don't worry. When I was in school I wasn't interested in having a relationship with anyone I met there, mostly because I thought the boys were immature, and had little shared interests with them. But I like men, not boys. And wasn't really into the kind of man who would chase after someone as young as me. When I stopped feeling like I was too young for a relationship, it wasn't long before I started one.

(DANIEL and his friends CARLOS and TIAGO are sitting at a table, enjoying their cocktails and listening to the house band blurt out Lenny Kravitz songs. As always, TIAGO is informing us on the latest in a long line of failed relationships that he's had)

CARLOS: Your problem is you fall in love every week! You don't even know what the fuck "love" is- just look at Daniel! He doesn't go on stupid doomed from the get-go relationships: he's waiting for the right one to come along, and until that he's just cool and relaxed. You'll never make it if you're so neurotic about it!"

DANIEL (to himself): Hahaha, little does the FULE know that the reason I haven't had any relationships yet is less down to my "coolness" or desire to "wait for the right one" than to my utter incapability of dealing with the opposite sex in a romantic/flirtatious manner!

So Melissa, be proud of yr lack of relationships, as apparently it is a sign of coolness and maturity! :)

Re: "Age Ain't Nuthin' But A Number"...how does "goin' down ain't nuthin' but a thang" figure in this radical re-interpretation of the song?

''my utter incapability of dealing with the opposite sex in a romantic/flirtatious manner!''

as far as relationships: absolutely nothing! and the reason for that is pretty much the same as daniel's.

but, what i got from a kind of similar thread earlier in the week, you have to make an effort really.

(which changes everything, esp Ease of getting out of it)

It doesn't really bother me too much, as I don't plan on ever getting married (useless legal gesture), but yeah, it can be frustrating to see how easily this stuff seems to come to most people. And it's lonely.

And I agree with everyone else, as soon as you've gotten into a relationship, it will quickly become a non-issue. Kind of like how alcohol is in high school.

Drunk friends are much more entertaining than friends in a relationship, tho...

Some of my oldest friends never have relationships, and it's certainly not always the case that they couldn't. I think of one man who is tall, sexy, brilliant, funny and everyone loves him, but he's had nothing you'd call a relationship in the 20 years I've known him. People are different, and not everyone should even dream of fitting into the societal norms.

I know we all feel those pressures, though. I'm just meaning to encourage Justyn, Melissa and so on to go as easy as possible on themselves, and find their own ways to make themselves happy, rather than thinking they should conform.

Well, my friend situation is sort of weird. I have quite a few "good acquaintances" I suppose. Through Radiohead and the internet I've made quite a few of these. But that's it... People I meet once or twice and email once every few months.
There are people around here I'd call friends just because I don't have a better word for them, but honestly they're not even people I like all that much or have even seen in the past two years.
When I want someone to turn to, or even just someone to see a movie with or go to a concert with... I have no one.
I don't know that this is any fault of my own. It could be, I'm not sure. I'm not the friendliest of people, perhaps, and I do enjoy time spent alone (to a degree). But I don't feel unsociable. The times when I've been in more social situations, I have really enjoyed it. I'm not a shy mouse, either.

The one thing I'm able to hide in pictures is just how obese I am. To those who think I am exaggerating, I am 215 lbs. at 5'3" (um, about 15 stone at 160 cm).
I'm not saying this is the only reason for my single status, but it's certainly a contributing factor. Half because guys aren't attracted, half because it makes me feel unattractive and act accordingly.

I mean, like other people have been saying, this stuff doesn't come easy--but the more happy & confident you are with yourself _by_ yourself, the easier it gets (and the less size matters). Like Louis Pasteur said, chance favors the prepared mind.

One suggestion I would give you: the first person you have a sexual experience with should be someone _you_ ask, rather than someone who asks you first.

a more general point: while there is a certain "objective" quality to attractiveness, a lot of it is "subjective", as in if you decide you are attractive you become attractive.

another general point: there are lots of large attractive women, so I wouldn't worry about the weight thing.

yet another general point: having no experience of the opposite sex at age 19 is nothing to be ashamed of. Well, I'm not ashamed of it anyway, although I was when I was 19.

we all like to congratulate ourselves that we THINK that looks don't matter, but the sad fact is that they do, and if someone doesn't fancy you, they just don't fancy you and there's no way back from that.

correct, nathalie?

well, yes and no. i do think looks matter, both to me and other people. but the thing is, which aspect of looks? its a broad category. the thing in appearance people focus on negatively about themselves is often irrelevant to someone else, they like something else about that person

B-b-but Douglas what if she's that person's first person too - nothing would ever happen unless they asked simultaneously :)

Marcello and Nathalie are both right - attraction is attraction and there's nothing we can do about it, but what is/isn't "attractive" varies per individual; the image of "attractiveness" the media presents is a best-fit designed to turn OFF as few people as possible. Plenty of people fancy bigger women - the problem is that a lot of those will either ignore anything else about them or expect them to be grateful for it.

it's all secondary though. the essential decision is made five seconds after they've first clapped eyes on you. either they like you or they don't. but of course what's fanciable to some is unfanciable to others. and regardless of how much you have in common, or how well you communicate in writing or over the 'phone, there's nothing as deflating as those first five seconds when they approach you. they might still smile but the smile doesn't spread to their eyes; you can smell their disappointment a mile off. and once that's happened, nothing will ever put it right.

i speak as someone to whom this has happened several times this year.

Weight only plays a small part because fitness and food are important to me and too skinny or too fat or too muscly or too flabby mean not the sort of fitness and food I'm into - which means for those who don't 'fit my criteria' probably I don't fit theirs either.

The worry of being a late bloomer I can relate to and there are no easy solutions. I've developed shyness in the last few years and it is hard to overcome. I feel very awkward socially and am not good at small-talk. I'm planning to drink lots of alcohol over summer to solve this. Sadly this probably means stacking back on the 10kg I just lost (= lots of pounds). Dammit.

yes, but one of those things will be "mmm, bit overweight", but another will be "pretty face" and another could be "pleasant personality" or whatever. And it does depend how highly the individual values not being overweight.

I mean, it is basic fact that not everyone fancies the same people, as I know only too well.

I'd like to think that isn't the case. is that all a human being gets? oh no! oh no!!!

Yeah, quite often people grow on me.

"I can't believe I had to pay to get deflowered when no one else I know did"

Look, the thing is, the prostitute is there. Now. She can provide an answer to the nagging question what sex is like this instant. All that bleary-eyed romanticism re: "b-b-but the first time has to be perfect!" is not only bollocks, it makes the situation worse. It won't be perfect anyway, so why lose more time?

you don't want all his poor future girlfriends to have to measure up to professional technique do you?

Erm, good point. Take a video camera with you.

Not having a meaningful romantic relationship even if you'd like to have one is a far more bigger question, and more difficult to answer as well. This thread might be of some help.

but it also doesn't have to be a totally meaningless experience. he has the rest of his life to have meaningless encounters if he wants (which he doesn't sound like he does) so why start off that way?

and I agree with tuomas, the not having a deeper relationshipissue is the bigger thing and should probably get sorted before anything else.

That being said, I'm curious about how people who have lost their virginity with a professional feel about the process.

''heh, I could give a two-hour presentation on THAT particular fact...''

will that include pictures?

No no no it's the other way 'round : why should he go for a meaningful first time when he can have all the loving tenderness he wants later on (once he's stopped sabotaging himself)?

haha, I certainly HOPE there's no photographic record of it! line drawings will have to suffice...

and fair enough sommer...though it's not wrong to want the first time to be meaningful, as long as you understand that it may not work out that way. to me (at least- I do realize I'm all girly and estrogenic about these things) it seems more logical to tel him to wait and do it with a loved/greatly-liked one than tell him to "get it over with", even if there is a slightly greater risk of temporary hurt.

b-but drawing is dull!

heh, new thread- who would be the most fun to draw on and why?

MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!

Honey, factoring in the date you started this thread, you and I are in the same boat right there. In fact, I'm still stuck with the same confusing questions I've always had about relationships, attraction, and need for intimacy, and I don't know how to get out of it. But you know what? I'm going to make a pledge to myself to not obsess over such things anymore. I'm going to try to live my life as fully as I possibly can, and if the whole "romantic love" thing never happens for me, then it was probably never meant to be. Obsessing over never having had a true romantic relationship or anything like that won't do me (or indeed anyone in a similar predicament) much good. All I can hope for is to attempt to conquer each day as it goes, try to find my own place in this world, work on becoming Someone To Envy (or indeed just Someone), and see where the rest of life takes me. And hopefully you too can make the same pledges and try to adopt the same sorts of personal philosophies.

(You're years younger than I am, are almost preposterously poised, and look like a younger Catherine Zeta-Jones. You have SO MUCH going for you. Just FYI.)

problem was, when i went to college i met hundreds of people with those interests, and they were all far better at them than i could ever hope to become + cleverer, goodlooking, perfectly able to get dates, absolutely no interest in me or my creative projects. i couldn't compete. i abandoned my interests, had to drop out of school, returned to my home town where i no longer knew anyone at all, and am stuck there forever. there's nothing left for me now but a minimum wage job, bad tv, + seeing my old enemies going home from better jobs to their loved ones. once i told myself "one day i'll escape, i've got potential you'll never understand" - so so wrong. and still i can't even get a conversation....

You chose the wrong things, apparently.

call me

For me, the worst thing about sex is that it's both a bigger and smaller thing than it should be. When I'm not getting any, it can feel like the most important thing in the world, but when I'm getting some I'm like, yeah it's fun and great, but not really that important. To make it clear, I'm talking about the actual act of sex only; physical intimacy and warmth are probably much more important, though obviously the two are often inseparable. (Not always though.)

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), October 30th, 2005.

wouldn't every thread? ;-)