Right, now I'm angry

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From the ages of 12 to 14 I was totally obsessed with a guy who was about 8 years older than me. I got over it, I think I saw him once when I was 15 and felt NOTHING.

Now I've found his web page (after much searching) and I've emailed him. I haven't seen this guy for at least 13 years, maybe more. I mean, I'm not even interested in him as a guy, I'm a lesbian, BUT I read his web site and I read his list of likes and dislikes and I try to glean clues as to what I can say in my email to ensure that I impress him or at least make him want to email me back!?!

Fuck, I spent two years crying myself to sleep every night over someone who probably never deserved it and now, almost a decade and a half since I got over him, I care so damned much about what he thinks? What is going on???

Why the fuck was I looking for him at all? There is so much I want to talk to him about but why? I was 13, he was about 21. I used to see him a lot but I don't think I even knew him, I don't think I knew myself. I just don't understand what's going on?

― toraneko, Friday, 4 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

it's not him, it's something you were/are projecting onto him: work out what the something is, toraneko (be patient AND brutal w.yrself) and then separate it from him. There are 30 billion (=total guess) ppl in the world and therefore a whole lot of em actually ARE the thing you're after. He isn't. You know this. When you see the thing clear, you will know if it's attainable or foolishness.

My dad once wrote me a letter abt his college sweetheart of 30 yrs previously (who by chance had same name as girl i'd just been dumped by). One thing he said — abt her sexy voice — made me think, scared, "Ulp, this is still way unresolved..." (dad's thing, I mean: mine was i was pleased to be dumped cuz I'd nevah have dared dump her).

At 15, you knew something you didn't know at 12: that the THING YOU WANTED wasn't WASN'T HIM.
Today you know something you didn't know at 15: that you really do want THE THING and you haven't found.

But I don't think you've clearheadedly looked for it. You just fell into an old old groove abt it.

― mark s, Friday, 4 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Mark S has his wise hat on today, Toraneko. but don't be so hard and angry on yourself about this - it's only natural that, now the whole thing has reared it head again, you'll still be behaving towards him the same way as you used to, because you don't know how to behave any different towards him. YET. once you've actually talked to him i'm sure it'll be different. god, it took me ages to work out how to talk to my biggest evah crush like he was a normal person.

― katie, Friday, 4 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

should have added "and that was after i got over him and we were both with other ppl" at the end of that last sentence.

― katie, Friday, 4 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Ummm...

Is it the familiarity that you are looking for? Holidays are bad for that - searching back in your past where things were safe and comfortable, if your life is chaotic, you may be turning back the clock to a simpler time of being 13 and having love with the unattainable. i.e. control.

Ummm...and what Mark S. said.

― micheal reed, Friday, 4 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

We've just breached the 6 billion population mark. The frightening thing is that, if trends continue, the world will have 7 in about 100- 200 years.

― Dare, Friday, 4 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

The world is not enough.

But Toraneko, you certainly shouldn't feel angry... not with him, and especially not with yourself. I know of very few people that haven't been through the very intense and unrequited feelings you describe.

Even though they might seem fruitless to you now, remember that they once added colour and poignancy to your life.

― Trevor, Friday, 4 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

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