PIGEONS

with a gun? Why u wanna kill pidgey?

Pigeons explode if you send me money orders.

They piss me off. With their cooing and shitting on my balcony and their general arrogance. Hopefully they will either become extinct (this is what I am trying to achieve) or become large enough for people to tame and then ride, as an answer to traffic problems. They would still shit everywhere though. I do not wish to kill them with guns. Catapults maybe.

If regular pigeons are troubling you with their shitting, think how much worse the problem would be with GIANT MAN-CARRYING PIGEONS. I would probably never leave the house. (On the plus side, parasols would quickly come back into vogue.)

Answer here at the Straight Dope web site.

some time ago, when I was still with boycotting electronical telecommunication devices, I almost helped to devise a scheme which utilised trained messenger pigeons. or, at least, I think I mentioned it a lot. to one other person. but. maybe they [pigeons] are not all bad. my phone credit ran out today just as a dithering national rail information phoneline lady was about to tell me if my train was cancelled or not. wouldn't have happened with pigeons. at all.

they do annoy on george square. 'though.

walter pidgeon?

THANK YOU BRIAN for almost causing me to forcefully eject my eyeballs at work due to attempts to restrain full-on whooping laughter.

at a meet of Belle & Sebastian fans I learned that you can make seagulls literally explode if you feed them bread coated in bicarbonate of soda. Something to do with reactions in their stomach. the same thing might work with pigeons.

for reasons I can't quite remember a while ago I became obsessed by pigeons and started pretending to be one, which perturbed my friends.

apparently Nikola Tesla fell in love with a pigeon.

Ah, Dan, but if they were GIANT MAN CARRYING PIGEONS they couldn't fit on Lixi's balcony. I have seen it. Been on it even. It is not large.

But surely they could still shit on it? Or, even worse, land on the roof so that the building collapses, then shit on the rubble?

Brian: Thank you so much for the very funny stuff. Had a real bad day, (rare for me) and your "answer" was just what I needed! Thanks.

They are only after the roaches behind your wardrobe. Sort that out infestation gurl...

Roaches AND flies? "Being a student is no excuse to become vile and filthy. Standards should not be allowed to slip." sez the Delicious Miss Lixi, to me.

(She also says "I am not really a very clean person anyway". Perceptive)

Right. The roach infestation is actually only 2 little bugs. This does not make me a sloven. It's the state of the kitchen sink and the carpet in my bedroom that make me a sloven. I am letting them remain there because I am trying to be nice to them. People always kill things they don't like, like rats, for no apparent reason other than that they are meant to be verminous. I have a highly active frontal cortex which means I never actually panic, except during designated panic attacks. Therefore I am not bothered by insects or other scary things. The MANG SIZE PEOPLE CARRIER PIGEONS would indeed have difficulty getting onto my balcony. Should pigeons evolve to this size I am certain people would erect suitable sized cotes for them. However, the regular pigeons are far too able to get on the balcony, even when I constructed a 'PIGEON AWAY!' device out of string, masking tape and penne they found a way in. I have waged war against them for almost a year now and they still haven't got the message. I burnt their nests, I threw them from the balcony when they wouldn't fly away, I felt pangs of guilt, yes, but the fact remained; often they would wake me in the morning with their stupid noises. I like to sleep until I wake, not enter into some godawful limbo that is neither sleep or the other thing. I do not live in an infested house; I live in something that resembles a junk shop, shortly after a ramraid.

Pigeons are always pigeons and never pidgeons tho confusingly there is a duck called a widgeon.

Feed pigeons rat poison and they fall out of the sky. Ask Shaun Ryder.

What about actress Rebecca Pidgeon?

(And after seeing her in The Spanish Prisoner, I'd have happily fed her rat poison.)

"CATCH THE PIGEON!"

I've watched this GIF at least 100 times now, cry-laughing the entire time. pic.twitter.com/Hih7VJe28T

— Helen 侯-Sandí (@helenhousandi) February 23, 2018