four weeks pass...
Austin Amarka
Austin Amarka has made a lot of different incarnations on the Phil Hendrie Show. In one bit, he was a construction worker specializing in cabinets and can lights, and also works on cars. He's an advocate of a conservation program called "Hunt and Release" (as opposed to the catch and release program from the sport of fishing) whereby a hunter just wounds the deer, then takes it to a veternarian to have the bullet or arrow removed and then releases it back into the wild. He also enjoys the extreme sport of putting on a bulletproof vest, then donning a deer suit and running around in the forest so hunters can shoot at him. A brusque arch-conservative, Amarka runs "Don't Mess With Texas", a fanatical pro-death penalty organization which holds fiestas and chili cookoffs when convicted murderers are executed in the Lone Star State. He was even once a death row inmate who tried feigning mental retardation to escape the chair. Austin is a 'white nationalist' but lately has been having second thoughts about the superiority of caucasians since a black gentleman beat him so badly at a Scrabble tournament. Austin now owns a service station in Lancaster, California. Austin is one of Hendrie's more versatile and diverse characters, making his precise identity difficult to describe (as it often changes depending on the bit).
Bob Bakian
News helicopter reporter who reports on insane reactions from people after hearing celebrity gossip. Bob reported that "Michael Powell has resigned (from the FCC) so he can go on food stamps like other black people," and he was reprimanded along with Hendrie by David G. Hall for doing the same material twice. David G. Hall also instructs Bud Dickman to blast Bakian out of the sky for doing "schtick" such as when Korean scientists successfully cloned a dog and Bakian kept mispronouncing the scientist's names as "Yoo Suk Wang," "Swinging Wang," and "Wang Who Suk".
Aside from his schtick, Bakian seems to show an alarming tendency toward good old-fashioned ineptitude; he once mistook part of the downtown Los Angeles area as being flooded when, in actuality, his helicopter was simply over the Pacific Ocean.
Blaine Baxter
Noted poet laureate beset by a "wandering eye" that typically "wonks" out whenever he reads a famous poem. His segments usually end in disaster when the audience (or Hendrie) get tired of his continual distractions.
Ted Bell
Egomaniacal owner of the upscale steakhouse Ted's of Beverly Hills, one of Hendrie's "sponsors," with the motto, "We want to put our meat in your mouth" (the word "mouth" was for a time censored in light of recent FCC crackdowns, leading the song to sound even more vulgar). Frequently interjects with "I'm Ted Bell" when speaking to the callers. Also has a chronic phobia of the disabled, and on one occasion spiked the drink of an autistic child who was acting up in his restaurant (he claimed the childs father gave him a nonverbal cue to do this). Bell is president of the Beverly Hills Automobile Association. Inventor of the cocktail called a "Ted," simply the very common Rum and Coke. His meals are outrageously overpriced, but Bell often brags that he was the first to use serrated steak knives and to put tinfoil on a baked potato, and that he invented (though in at least one clip Bell claims it was, in fact, his wife who invented) the baked potato treea wooden device, in the shape of a tree, on which baked potatoes are skewered so that patrons may select one and once in possession can "Unzip it, and pull it out hot" for their dinner. Ted drives a McLaren SLR and often reminds callers that it cost him $400,000. Ted stated that when he was 17 years old his father put a cashier's check in his account for $20 million. Now, at the age of 40, he is proud to say that he is worth $25 million.
In 2005, Phil Hendrie pulled a Google bomb-type prank by creating tedsofbeverlyhills.com (http://www.tedsofbeverlyhills.com) , which lists a fake address and phone number, causing the restaurant to become listed in numerous online restaurant guides for the Los Angeles area, including the Zagat's website.
Logan Benson
An infrequent caller to Hendrie's show, Logan is an eight-year-old child with dubious living conditions and guidance. His overbearing and controlling grandfather, "Papa Frank," lingers in the background and tells Logan what to say during his calls to Hendrie. A few examples of Logan's calls: "My grandpa says that its not fair that cripple in Florida gets more press than the chimp that ate the man's wiener," or "My grandpa says that Thanksgiving is a crock and we should have slaughtered the Indians right off the bat when we came." Logan is also told to drink some blue sparkling liquidglass cleanerby his grandpa.
Don Berman
Don is a proud member of the "award-winning Channel 19 news team." Often brought on the show to talk about current news events, his latest investigative stories, and other media-related topics. Don's reports are frequently controversial, such as a special on teenage drinking and driving that, instead of simply discouraging the illegal act, advised minors on how to safely make their way home without police interference. Other members of the channel 19 news team include reporter Donna Decruz and meteorologist Goldie Showers.
Clara Bingham
African-American school administrator and, depending on the clip, prejudice against either whites or blacks. One of Pastor Rennick's (q.v.) flock in the "Joyful Union Congregation" of Bellflower, California. Now married to Pastor Rennick. Clara once admitted to putting her underwear in the mouth of her pupils to prevent them from talking. She was nice enough though to remove her "pad" she said. Clara is extremely liberal, often to the point of having downright bizarre viewpoints on mundane issues, and claims to have notoriety on several other radio shows as "The Angry Liberal".
Lloyd Bonafide
73 year old Korean war veteran of the United States Navy, "fairly loyal" Glock gun owner, and RV enthusiast from Alhambra, California, Lloyd is a retired executive from a heating and plumbing business. He has one daughter and one grandson. Lloyd has a history of battle fatigue, and he lives his life "as if all hell is going to break loose at any moment." No "turkey" should ever cut him off, and no "monkey" should ever lay a hand on him, which includes his 5 year old grandson. Lloyd also endangers his grandson by purposely keeping loaded handguns in his house when his grandson visits. As he explains, "Any gun owner will tell you there's something about having a small child in the house and having a loaded weapon in the house that is a little bit of an adrenaline rush." Even though this idea is absurd and criminal, Lloyd actually believes that doing so keeps him sharp and his senses focused, which as a result allows him to better raise his grandson. Lloyd brings his Korean War experience into every facet of his life. On several occasions when he was put on hold by Hendrie, Lloyd has managedapparently through sheer force of willto "fight his way off hold" and get back on air, claiming that's the kind of thing a real American soldier can do. Recently, when on the air with Chris Norton, Mr. Bonafide revealed that he did stag films in the 1950s and was the original "Hugh G. Rection."
Lloyd tells Hendrie "Well, that tears it!" when he gets frustrated. When faced with a caller claiming military experience, Lloyd has often refused to listen to the caller unless the caller outranks him. He once became so enraged with Hendrie that he threatened to go on a spree killing or burn down an orphanage "so I can go to Hell and watch you cook."
Lloyd dislikes his son-in-law and refers to him only as "the man my daughter married."
Lloyd operates his recreational vehicle between Los Angeles and Portland, Oregon once a year to visit his daughter, and does not stop to let his wife take bathroom breaks. He claims to have halogen lights on the roof of his Winnebago that are so powerful, "you can see a man's skull."
Lloyd often has disagreements with his neighbor, "a WWII boy". At one point, his neighbor trained his cat to "spread it all over" Lloyd's face. Lloyd was in his backyard minding his own business when the cat jumped off the fence and attached himself to Lloyd's face. Lloyd was sure he was about to have his eyes scratched out until he realized what was really going on. He was being teabagged by a neighborhood cat . . . and it was hot that day. The cat teabagged him on Tuesday, teabagged him again on Wednesday.
Despite the aura of morality that he hides behind, Lloyd has been unfaithful to his wife. He has had extramarital relations with a neighbor of his, one Marilyn Caruthers. His relationship with her caused so much turmoil between Marilyn and her husband Dave that the latter shot himself to death.
Lloyd has a pathological hatred of census takers, as revealed on Hendrie's show during the 2000 Census. When asked by Hendrie why he harbors such animosity towards census takers, Lloyd revealed that he has detested them since he caught his wife in bed with one during the 1960 Census. He claimed that he had been waiting "in cat-like readiness" for the first census taker to come along and try to test him, so he could "avenge his wife's honor."
Steve Bosell
Emotionally fragile owner of B&B Construction of Corona, California and frequent (almost to the point of seeming vexatious) litigant, originally from Murfreesboro, Tennessee. The "B&B" in his business name stands for "Bosell & Bosell." Steve is not in business with his father, son, brother, uncle, or anyone else. The "B&B" is supposed to represent the intensity he brings to his business: "Bosell and Bosell yet again, just non-stop Bosell comin' at ya like a stampede of steer." One of the show's most popular guests, Steve admits "weeping" at the slightest humiliation and frequently threatens to sue his wife for emotional trauma. Other common targets for Steve's lawsuits are his neighbor, Roy Hutchins (with whom he has some form of bizarre sexual tension) and a coworker, Cliff Pettigrew. In all his litigation, Steve is assisted by longtime attorney Dolores Blasingame of Riverside, California. Bosell reluctantly admits to having spent about $500,000 last year on litigation, most of it going to Ms. Blasingame. Bosell sued a young guest at one of his daughter's sleepovers after she complained that Bosell stepped over her sleeping bag wearing only a t-shirt and, because he had not properly "shaken off" after using the bathroom, dribbled urine onto her.
Before Steve got into the construction business, he was a part-time stand-up comedian under the moniker Super Steve McFunny. Not being very humorous, his stand-up acts were often heckled, to which Steve would reply "Oh yeah? Well you smell like tuna."
Steve is married with two children, all of which, at one point or another, have been sued by Steve himself. His wife is April Bosell, while his two children are Steve Junior and April Junior.
Colleen Kristin Brewster
Travel agent and young businesswoman. She has "tragically hip" fashion sense (think banana yellow pantsuit) and is an all-around slut. This character was difficult for Hendrie to perform and no longer appears on the show. Message boards and uber-fans commonly referred to her as "Collins" Kristin Brewster due to voice similarities with long running character RC Collins.
Darren Browne
The General Manager of the Air America Radio affiliate in Pierre, South Dakota which carries the Phil Hendrie Show. Bud Dickman hates him for "talking weird" and ends up going through the phone and killing him every time he is on. Hendrie has voiced the character of Darren Browne under the name Vic Prell from his Miami days and early days on KFI.
Rudy Canoza
Amorous Argentine lingerie store owner. His fictional boutique is called "Je T'aime Lingerie" in Sherman Oaks, California. Known for his sexual come-on, "la-la-la-la-la," which he claims is used by all Argentine men. Rudy has a foghorn installed at Je T'aime Lingerie to alert him or one of his employees when a "fat" woman (bigger than size 10), or when a short woman, enters his store. A recent addition has been a gong installed in Je T'aime Lingerie to alert Rudy when a "Jap" enters his store because they counterfeit his designs when they take pictures in the store.
Canoza is known to juxtapose his 'la-la-la-la-la' with popular (Sometimes even Christmas music; see 'Deck the Halls') music to allure the women.
When was your last pork chop inhalation?
Chef Carl Chodillia
An infrequent character, Chef Carl is a cooking show host whose unbelievable girth prevents him from speaking into the microphone for more than a few seconds, after which he wheezes uncontrollably. His rambling and pointless recipes always call for excessive amounts of fat and sugar. Hendrie pledged to depose of Chef Carl as a sponsor after the presentation of his "Deep-Fried Kid" recipe. Chef Carl sounds remarkably like Roland Schwinn.
R.C. Collins
One of Hendrie's most popular characters, Collins is a young pubescent cadet attending "Bradley Military Academy" in Altadena, California. R.C. has a very long story arc that has stretched for many years. The character actually "died" of a rare kidney disease in 1998 but was found alive and well at a KFI "Radio in the Park" event several weeks later. At the time, R.C. was a Satan-worshipping goth since he claimed that "Jesus didn't give him a good kidney." He was a popular student who played high school basketball while wearing a top hat, a black cape (with "R.C." embroidered in red letters) and while carrying a staff.
R.C.
has had his share of medical problems while living with his mother, who was always drunk and passed out and not a part of his home life. He lost a testicle as a result of the loss of his kidney, thus suffering for years afterward with "phantom nut." He now has a prosthetic left testicle. R.C. had a short stint on air working for Hendrie doing "The Force Report" with Bud Dickman before the release of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. The pair mostly got in trouble and took drugs and rarely had anything to say about either the Star Wars movie or the fans waiting outside the "Chinese Man" Theater.
R.C.
and Bud were also allowed to host their own bowling tournament, which they named "The Spooge Demon Open."
A former student of Chatsworth High School, R.C. now attends Bradley Military Academy under the watchful eye of Commandant Harvey Wireman, R.C. has no contact with his mother but expects "father to send for him" at any moment to be shop foreman in his dad's factory. Always image conscious, R.C. refuses to ride in the dilapidated automobiles of his friends, referring to them as "beaner-mobiles." R.C. will often include his friend Chris Sorensen in his exploits. As a side note, R.C. was also a small character during Hendrie's employment in Miami; then he was known as R.C. Cabetti. RC often began to talk about the bowler, Ben Laughlin when people mentioned the name of Osama bin Laden
R.C.
generated outraged calls from Vietnam war veterans when he proposed to replace the Vietnam War Memorial with one honoring the veterans of the then-imminent second Iraq war. After all, Collins claimed, the Vietnam veterans lost their war while he and his fellow Bradley cadets intended to win in Iraq. Collins offered to bring a wire brush and a sandblaster to the Memorial, and anticipated the day when he would accompany his own children to the new Memorial so they could view his name on the wall.
As a one liner between bits R.C. was herd saying his name was, "Ronald Coon"
Doug Dannger
Newspaper columnist of the fictitious Orange County Courier. Since coming out as a homosexual, he frequently proclaims his status as "a gay man and a gay journalist," although the proclamation is rarely relevant to the discussion at hand. In many of his confrontations, Doug claims he will go "eyeball to eyeball" with the caller, even if one of the two of them has to use a shoebox to level off. He declares as the number one movie of the millennium, The Shaggy D.A., a Disney flick from the '70s.
Whenever someone disagrees with Doug, he insists it must be because of their homophobia.
Doug believes that homosexuals like him can see through straight people and their thoughts, because their homosexuality confers on them this power, variously known as "Gay-Dar" or "HomoVision".
Among his many assertions, Doug believes that gay journalists, himself in particular, should be trusted with national secrets since they've already proven they can keep a secret for a long period of time.
"I'm a gay man and a gay journalist because I was born that way."
Joe Dickhead and the Professor
Joe Dickhead and the Professor do a sports show from "high atop the Las Vegas strip" where they make NFL picks but they are always doing something else while giving the picks, like playing marco polo or getting a root canal. Their picks are always wrong and sometimes have nothing whatsoever to do with football.
Previously, these bits were performed every Friday (except on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving) during the NFL season. However as of last year, Joe and the Professor's NFL picks have occurred less often.
Bud Dickman
"Bud" is a producer, sidekick, intern, and call screener during the show. The victim of a motorcycle accident sixteen years earlier in Ojai, California --which caused him to have a steel plate inserted into his head --Bud is employed on the show to comply with the Americans With Disabilities Act. Bud usually gets into trouble on the air (and sometimes off-the-air as well). On most occasions, if Hendrie may say something on-air that might be remotely suggestive, Bud will typically notify Hendrie's "vice president of syndication," David G. Hall, who usually errs on Bud's side. Bud is also the heir to millions of dollars on account of Mini Dickmann's Candy that is popular in Germany. Bud does not like black people because they scare him but Bud thinks his black football player buddy Lance is OK because, "he's a football player," and his girlfriend (a UPS driver) is black but Bud thinks she's OK because, "she's beautiful!" Hendrie often points out Bud's contradictions when it comes to race but Bud never seems to comprehend. Bud speaks Mandarin Chinese when ordering Chinese food and apparently, "clang," means, "I'm out," in Mandarin.
Bud was named "Dave Del Weygan" when Hendrie was on in Ventura. Hendrie has said on the air that Bud is a crutch he leans on for, "comic relief during rant hours," and when Bud was briefly fired Hendrie said to a voice he made up, "I gotta stand on my own two feet."
Bud occasionally goes "through" the phone line and kills annoying guests. Especially C-93 program director Darren Brown.
Perhaps Bud Dickman's finest moment came when Hendrie fired him on the air. Hendrie explained that Bud was too cartoonish, and that he had bombed big-time at a recent live taping of the show. Bud started crying and left the studio after calling Hendrie a "prick." Hendrie was deluged with emails demanding that he reinstate Bud, and eventually he got back on the show after VP of syndication David G. Hall interceded on his behalf.
"Me me like the Phil Hendrie Show." (describing Hendrie's show in seven words or less)
Bobbie Dooley
Officious president of the gated community "Western Estates Homeowners' Association" (WEHA) and "Western Estates Parent-Teacher Organization" (WEPTO) located in the West Hills area of the Southern California San Fernando Valley, and arguably the show's most popular character. The homeowners association, which is constantly embroiled in some problem or other, is adorned with over 100 homes with prices starting at approximately 1 million USD. The WEHA has a number of sections the Cyprus Phase, the Bouganvillea Phase, the Magnolia Phase among them (with each section being comprised of houses of a certain square footage.) She and her husband Steve have three sons, Justin, Seth, and Dylan, who are sexually active (or soon to be) teenagers. Reference was made a few times to a daughter, Amanda, but the three sons always remained constant. Hendrie refers to the sons as "Three skinheads waiting to happen."
Husband "Steve Dooley" is the vice-president of Western Estates who frequently cuts in on conversations with pointless, drunken statements, usually supporting his wife. Steve is always referred to by Bobbie as
pointless, usually supporting always by "My husband" and is always described as the "owner of a wildly successful landscaping business."
"Bobbie" makes a trademark, repeated "mmmmmmmm hmmmmmmm" response when listening to what the callers have to say, which almost always annoys them. Mr. Hendrie has said this "mhmmmm"ing is reminiscent of a former colleague. It is merely an attempt to move the conversation along, showing her arrogance and disregard for anyone else's ideas. Ms. Dooley's father was a circus clown and her mother was a prostitute. Hendrie often does "Best of Bobbie Dooley" shows during holiday periods. Mrs. Dooley calls the program frequently to espouse her upper-class, soccer-mom viewpoints which are often little more than her husband Steve's opinions, who can be heard in the background coaching her as well as throwing in comments.
Mrs. Dooleys status as the WEHA/WEPTO president is constantly tenuous, as she does things like illegally entering into others homes while they are away and redecorating them (so her neighbors' properties dont lose value on account of ugly decor). She once ordered Steve to padlock the breaker box on an elderly womans home so she could not operate her air conditioning past 10 pm, in accordance with the rules in the CC&R (which resulted in the woman dying of heat prostration.) Bobbies response to this unnecessary death was, Nobodys gonna get us for it! She has also been known to turn a hose on candelight vigils commemorating 9/11, because the ceremonies violated the rules. As a result of incidents like these, the fellow Association members want her out, but she never seems to lose her job.
One recurrent thread that infuriated many women was Bobbie and her connection to Princess Diana. Her one-woman show called "Princess Diana -My Heart Will Go On," which she performed at junior high and elementary schools (the show opened with Bobbie rising up out of a thin layer of fake smoke with a prop steering wheel sticking out of her chest.) When asked to comment on the tastelessness of all this, Bobbie insists that although she never met Diana, she is now living out her legacy. And the show she performs is supposedly fine because "I give the kids comic relief by leaning over and letting them honk the steering wheel."
Bobbie and Steve are obsessed with "being young", "hip", and "with it" --which apparently accounts for the wild parties they throw for minors. Steve enjoys hanging out in the hot tub with his son and all his friends, then jumping out to reveal that he has been naked from the waist down. Bobbie assures listeners it was hilarious when Steve screamed "Uh oh, the cobra is out of the cage!" Bobbie enjoys her "youngness" as well, and is known to teach girls how to commit sodomy so as to improve their sex life.
Bobbie Dooley is also on the committee and spokeswoman for the Fall-tacular, Winter-tacular, Springtacular, and Summer-tacular community fashion show/barbecues. On occasion, Bobbie sings offkey songs on the show because she used to be a professional singer by the name of Yvonne Elliman who sang with Lynyrd Skynyrd and Blue yster Cult before going solo to sing on the soundtrack for Saturday Night Fever. According to Bobbie, Mr. Stigwood wanted a more eclectic feel to the soundtrack and thought an image of a, "china woman," would be preferred to the Anglo look of the Bee-Gees and that one of the Bee-Gees looked as though his head was pinched in at birth. Bobbie is fiercely protective of all of her three sons, especially her 15-year old child Seth. Seth has been accused of date-rape by a girl Bobbie calls a "slut", has been discovered "messing around" with another boy in his car, and crashed into a bunch of disabled kids picnicking in a park next to a highway. Bobbie often grows hysterical about issues, especially those regarding her sons. She often tells of the ghastly things she has done to exact revenge upon others after they in some way offend or harm her or her family. After a basketball coach supposedly molested her son, she envisioned getting a TV movie made about this, and because her brother is a higher-up at one of the major networks, she is sure that Sandra Bullock will be jumping at the chance to play Bobbie in the movie. She needed to take pills after watching an A&E special on Hitler and fearing that the Boy Scout Camp her children attend may be some kind of Nazi organization. Bobbie is usually a hard-core Republican, but switched sides on the Iraq war after she attended a Hollywood Peace March and spoke with Mike Farrell and Uma Thurman.
In the "Cat Sex" segment performed at KFI, Bobbie defended her husband's shooting neighborhood cats that were noisily copulating in the Dooley backyard. Bobbie claimed to have seen female cats engaged in "slutlike" behavior and insisted she saw a male cat push a female down, raising a question in Bobbie's mind whether the "bestial sex" was consensual or some form of "date rape." "At one point I saw the male cat put his cigarette out on her ass. I heard the cat say 'take it all bitch, meow.'" On the other hand, the Dooleys are trying to do the Christian thing with their Backyard Pet Shelter that she and Steve started, wherein they collect strays and drown them very comfortably in their jaccuzi if they havent been picked up within 72 hours.
Bobbie Dooley was Hendrie's personal favorite character to perform. On his last broadcast, he confessed that much of Bobbie Dooley was based on his own mother.
"To be fat in a crowd of people is as good as eating a 42 ounce can of Dennisons Extra Hot and literally going in your pants."
Jeff Dowder
A stoner, a drummer in the band "Darkhorse" (aka Darque Hoarse) and Professor of Mechanical Physics at Caltech. Jeff is based on real-life pal "Sundown" from Hendrie's days in Miami and Minneapolis. Jeff is advocate of the medical use of marijauna. He often demonstrates his drumming live on the air, usually incorporating various "jazz modalities"; he frequently pauses for bong hits. Jeff has a friend named Toby Beau and has mentioned the name of another friend, Hobie Bunson, at least once. (Jeff has also been known, in at least one bit, as Dr. Jeff Raley.)
Once did a semi-regular technology segment, The Jeff Dowder Compooter Show (sic), where he would talk about the important aspects of eLifestyle; porn surfing, living in one's mother's basement, never taking a shower, giving up a spouse or loved one to play with programs such as ProTools and the best kinds of junk food to eat while going to sites such as the "Chicks with Big Butts Message Board".
During a "Law Talk" segment Jeff exasperated Harvey Wireman, Attorney at Law, with a rambling account of his discharge from a veterinary clinic for offering a frozen puppy intended for cremation to a young boy, ending in Jeff's insistence that his firing infringed his constitutional rights.
― graty80 (libcrypt), Monday, 5 January 2009 18:47 (sixteen years ago) link
Vernon Dozier
High school football coach, math, history, and social sciences teacher, and all-around tough guy who tends to be attracted to his underage female students. He has come under fire for allowing girls to wear thong bikinis to class, commenting suggestively on their appearances, and expressing his desire to propose to one of his students during her graduation. Dozier will do anything to improve his win-loss record, including spiking his players' drinks with steroids. Despite his established fondness for teenage girls, he has also implied some homosexual tendencies -he was once caught going into a gay bar with another coach who was dressed in drag. Vernon swears it was the coach's ugly twin sister, and they only went into the gay bar to dance. Vernon comes on to his female students because his wife is suffering from an unknown affliction which makes her sound like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Vernon has said, "I spent the past seven years trying to get through to her, now I'm going to spend the next seven years trying to keep her locked up."
In some bits, Vernon is dating a 17-old-year student of his. Vernon once planned on proposing to a student of his during her graduation ceremony. He stated that his wife was bed-ridden and "unable to be a woman" to him for the last several years. Vernon was very excited for the honeymoon, referring to it as "pay day" for all of his pain and suffering.
He has a handle bar mustache.
Before his football days, Vernon recently revealed that he was a jazz musician, who played the saxophone. Before "giving himself to god" as he puts it, he wrote the song Watermelon Man, in reference to the stereotype that African Americans eat a lot of watermelons, of which Vernon disagrees with -despite him using the terms "spook" and "spade" very freely around African American jazz players. Vernon carries a lot of baggage from his parents. His mother drove him to football practice which caused the coach to taunt Vernon with, "look at Momma boy," and, "somebody get that boy a bib." Vernon's mother was also a drunk who in any given night would have a member from each branch of the armed forces in her bed and she would yell out, "Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines!" As such Vernon forbids his players from being dropped off by their mothers as well as having PUSSY diseases such as asthma. Vernon's father was an alcoholic who cried on a regular basis and Vernon as a young man vowed to never cry no matter what. To test this part of his character, Vernon went into an all-black bar in Eatonville, Florida wearing mirrored shades and a Hawaiian shirt with a shaved head, held up a Marlboro Red cigarette and said, "Do any of you boogies have a light?" As six guys kicked his ass, Vernon laughed all the way through it, even though he still sees, "tomato bisque," in the toilet every morning. He continues to enjoy laughing through pain while his wife drives a Cadillac Escalade over his hand and the team mascot, a mule, kicks him, "square in the royal American."
In the 1970s he was in the adult film "Cramming For College", which he showed to his sex ed class after a student brought up a certain sex act. Vernon was proud to say that after showing the class his flim, he got a few winks from the female members of his class.
Vernon received legendary status when he took part in the extremely popular "Plane Go Boom" bit, in which he trains a retarded boy named Bobby via cattle prod in the field of airport security. In Hendrie's own list of the top 100 bits of 2002, this was voted number 1.
Played a part in the final show.
"Pile it high and deep."
Bill Duncy
Bill is a private pilot who appeared on Hendrie's show once on May 11, 2005. Duncy believed that celebrities should be granted access to fly anywhere, including over the White House, unrestricted. He felt that control towers should have 8x10's and resumes of every actor and actress that is a private pilot because "you could have civil unrest" if a celebrity is "blown out of the sky by a navy sidewinder". He may also be Lloyd Bonifide's grandson as well.
Raj Fahneen
Raj is an Egyptian and Hendrie's first "guest," performed during the first Gulf War to incite people to call in on KVEN in 1990. Raj believed that the solution to the Kuwait crisis was to have President George Bush wash the feet of Saddam Hussein. He was also known as Hamid during Hendrie's employment in Minneapolis. Raj has a difficult time grasping the intricacies of American culture ("you mean it's not okay to wipe my dog's ass with the American flag!?"). He often tells callers to "shut your mouth," calls people he dislikes "bastards", uses the term "Jesus" often (which offends Christian callers), and accuses native-born American citizens of knowing more about offerings at fast food restaurants than they do about their own Constitution. Raj is famous for relentlessly asking Hendrie's callers, "Do you Super-Size?" Another famous bit he does is one where he sings Saw An American with his "son" a song to the tune of Elvis Presley's "Blue Suede Shoes":
Raj: All Americans are big fat hogs, they eat a Big Mac and shoot out a log, oh yeah.
Son: Uh-huhhh.
Raj: Oh, yeah.
Son: Uh-huhhh.
Raj: Aye!
Margaret and Frank Gray
Margaret Gray "writes" a celebrity newspaper column called "A Little Bird Told Me;" overbearing mother of child actor Jason Jay Delmonico, so named after Margaret saw a package of Delmonico steaks in the supermarket. Margaret wrote a column about how she has been sleeping with her son ever since the "traumatic events" of the 1994 Los Angeles earthquake. Margaret tends to incite callers by blaming any and all of the world's ills on President Bush. She has often "died" in airstrikes called in by Mr. Hendrie when he disagrees with her commentary. She was known as Margaret Selb while Hendrie was employed in Minneapolis; she was married to Roland Selb, who Hendrie later split into two characters, Don Berman and Roland Schwinn. In Miami, she was known as Margaret from Bal Harbor.
Margret was the last character that Hendrie did the voice of on his final show.
Margaret's husband, Frank Gray, has become a more common character lately. He is an elderly, wheelchair-bound, Cutty Sark-blended scotch drinker who can never find ice and has gender confusion which results in Frank reversing the pronouns he/she/him/her/etc. i.e. "My wife Margaret, he's a real ball-breaker." (Frank) Is quoted saying, "Do you know Al Hirt? (Hendrie) Yea I know him, a she right?
(Frank) quoted saying, you (Hendrie) right (Frank) Hey Margaret this jackass thinks the Al Hirt is a she." (Margaret) He always gets the whole gender thing confused."
Every time Hendrie greets Frank and asks him how he is doing, he will consistently respond with "Well Phil, I'm vertical"
The gender confusion was given an entirely new dimension of complexity when it was revealed that homosexuals were referred to in the 'proper' gender. An example would be: "Elton John, he's a real piece of work, but Marlon Brando... she was really something else in On the Waterfront."
Some of Frank's other supposed "accomplishments" include that he wrote Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head; was the original voice of Mister Ed; was the first athlete pictured on a Wheaties box; taught Gene Simmons from Kiss how to spit blood; coached Marlon Brando in The Score; and rode Seattle Slew to four victories.
Bob Green
Robert Green (or Greene) is modeled after a real person who was the WIOD station manager during Hendrie's stint in Miami. Green is the owner and CEO of the Southern California grocery store chain Frazier Foods, with twenty-four stores. He is owner of a $20,000 hair system (He insists it is NOT a toupee; "When you think of someone with hair, think of me: Bob Green."). Bob frequently invades the lives of his employees and seems to have a lot of trouble as an employer. He also has difficulty when it comes to charity, creating programs for hot-button causes and then complaining when it doesn't positively impact his business.
Bob is an old-fashioned grocier who doesn't believe in health or natural food stores such as Trader Joe's or Whole Foods. In fact, he believes that these stores deceive their customers about the food they sell. He recently made the argument that, even if advertised as such, no store can sell free range chicken. He explained: "It's impossible. A chicken to be free range? You can't have any fences. In other words, to get that chicken to market, you have to get in a jeep and you have to drive the length of your farm and find it because you've allowed it to just go wherever the hell it wants to go. I don't go in for that. I don't buy from people like that."
Bob also believes that plastic bags are better for the environment than paper bags because he saw it on TV. Bob loves publicity. He was taking 8 tons of goods to the Katrina victims, including hotdog relish, spatulas, beets and party hats, but was mad that no media reported on his good deed. His mother always said, "give what you can give."
Bob is also well-known for sexually harassing his female workers and customers (e.g., taking pictures of them in the produce aisle holding cucumbers, zucchini, etc.). He is irate at the fact that he's not allowed to tell female employees that their "rear end looks good", yet gay males are allowed to publicly date or hold hands. When questioned about his harassment, his response was "Oh yeah? What about two dudes antiquing?"
Green is notorious for telling customers what they're allowed to buy (he won't sell corn on the cob to people with crooked teeth because of the image of the corn getting stuck in their teeth). Bob is on a protocol of tranquilizers and hot tub treatments because of having to look at his wife's relatives, who have poor dental care, eating corn on the cob.
Arguably, Bob's most famous segment was during Hendrie's stint on WIOD in Miami. During this bit, Hendrie tricked Larry King into calling and arguing with Bob.
Tell the lesbians that Bob Green's coming, and Hell follows.
Art Griego
Commercial/private pilot with a fear of flying, good friend of D.B. Cooper and a former minor league first baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Art first appeared while Hendrie was employed in Miami as Steve Nichol, who was program director at WIOD at the time. On KFI, he phoned Hendrie from high above Los Angeles in a single engine Cessna 177 completely drunk to explain why pilots should be allowed to drink while flying. He then stalled (and recovered) the aircraft several times and got several panicked real pilots to call in and explain the dire situation to Hendrie and the listeners.
Larry Grover
Former president of the Conservatives of Kern County; currently lives on the service porch of his mother's home. His marriage fell apart while he was devoting his every waking minute to getting President Bill Clinton impeached. Enjoys good, clean, Christian sex, which according to Larry, requires partners to be fully clothed (except for certain strategic areas), plastic wrap, and use of various household cleansers for clean-up. Larry's mother often intrudes on his conversations with Hendrie to supply embarrassing information about her son such as his possession of a magazine entitled "Women Who Love Horses".
David G. Hall
Hendrie's overbearing boss based on his program director at KFI. Now, "Hall" is usually referred to as "vice president of syndication." Always having "the hot seat dusted off" for him by his superiors when it appears he can't control Hendrie's show. "Darth" Hall's appearances are now heralded by The Imperial March from the Star Wars films. When Hendrie mentions something that has the faintest possibility of alluding to genitalia, Hall will often be notified by Hendrie's assistant, Bud Dickman.
Hall is always calling Hendrie on the air and giving him orders on how to improve his ratings --such as acting gay, saying that he's single, or singing. Hall is also known to call in and convince Hendrie of something completely false, such as when he called and said that he had anthrax, or that he was gay and dating someone on the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hall called Hendrie up on Hendrie's 30th anniversary in radio to fire him and replace him with brain-damaged intern Bud Dickman.
Eric Hester
A Doctor who in one episode professed an outlandish assisted suicide plan, professing, "Death with dignity". Character was named after the 'real' composer of the Ted Bell theme, notable film composer Eric Hester.
June 28th, 2004. Eric Hester is on to talk about his new reality show "Surprise." They hire an actor to approach certain children aged 8 -10 and inform them that their parents have been killed in an automobile accident. The camera zooms in on the child's face as they face death for the first time. Then moments later their parents, who have been watching the whole thing from a monitor in a van, rush in and say "Surprise!" He's hoping Drew Carey will host the show.
May 10th, 2006. Television producer Eric Hester joins the program to talk about his new reality show "Pathfinder", which reunites victims of child molestation with their accusers.
Kyle Holster
A massage therapist/chiropractor that comes in every now and then to give Hendrie a massage or even put Hendrie's neck back into place with the force of his own body.
Cowboy Jim
Cowboy Jim is the host of a live children's TV show, ala Captain Kangaroo. All skits seem to end with Cowboy Jim being hit in the 'scrotillia', or killed.
Paul "Tubby" Lane
From the rural South, Paul Lane is a NASCAR and sometime SCCA racing veteran. He has a phobia about speed, which he uses as an excuse for his poor driving abilities. Paul tends to offend Southerners in particular with his gay-oriented ideas of how to promote NASCAR, including "Dinner With a Driver" in which a fan can enjoy dinner, nighttime beach walks, and a shower with their favorite driver. He first appeared while Hendrie was employed in Miami as a frequently used character named Steve Wornell.
Paul was once involved in a race situation in which he jettisoned a baby seat with a Cabbage Patch doll in it out of his vehicle. The driver whose car it hit drove off the speedway, collided with a police car, and
speedway, police
was killed. Paul believes this occurred not because of the recklessness of the joke, but because the driver was inexperienced, was frightened by the upturn nose of the Cabbage Patch doll, was driving a Chevy, and was basically ready to kill himself. In Paul's own words, "I don't think it's a moment where you actually celebrate life when you say 'there's a Cabbage Patch looking at me and I'm in a Chevy.'"
Mavis Leonard
Mavis Leonard is an elderly Black Christian lady from Bellflower who is a member in good standing of the Joyful Union Congregation. Don't call her an African American, she's not into all that modern black crap. In the Civil Rights movement, Mavis marched with Dr. Martin Luther King to gain Black equality. She does outrageous things in the name of Jesus. For example, she baptizes infants by wrapping them in an oven bag and dunking them under water for over a minute. As she related her baptism stories on the air she sang that great Negro spiritual, Baptist baby in a Bag! Of course we all know the words, "Baptist baby in a bag, baptist baby in a bag; come Jesus, come Jesus today."
She taught middle school for 43 years and raised 5 children. However, her parenting and teaching techniques are often less than conventional. For example, in order to teach her children "the hell a gun can raise", she took her children's dog outside and shot the dog. Her late husband taught the same lesson by shooting himself through his left hand. Her youngest son, James is an alcoholic today and she attributes it to this event. She has a short personal song that goes along with this: "I shot a dog for Jesus, just the other day; I shot a dog for Jesus, just the other day. I shot a dog for Jesus, just the other day; now my boy's an alcoholic. That's the price you have to pay."
Mavis was married for a long period of time to her Jeffrey who passed away in 1993. She frequently is on the show with her nephew, Robert (the son of her sister Vivienne), with whom she shares some incestuous sexual tension.
Mavis called Hendrie to tell him that she was eating cat food after she was scammed out of her retirement money by a company claiming to offer vacations on Johnny Depp island.
Mavis also drinks Henry Weinhards beer and was the guest in the legendary All You Can Eat Negro bit, which to this day --according to Hendrie --remains the single most requested bit on Hendrie's show. In the sketch, Leonard is upset that her nephew mistakenly got a Catholic funeral rather than Baptist. She believes that Catholics eat humans, based on Christ offering bread as his body and wine as his blood to his followers.
A Catholic minister calls in and tries to explain that this is not physical (though that is claimed in transubstantiation) but metaphorical. But Mavis is insistent that Catholics are "Macking on her boy". The conversation degenerates very rapidly and Mavis says that the "Catholics are having a Negro smorgasbord" and a "brother buffet". Hendrie loses control at this point and starts cracking up when he says "All you can eat Negro". The laughter continues for some time. Hendrie's radio crew can be heard cracking up too.
Hal and Viola Levolier
This semi-wealthy retired couple are always in their private planelistening to Hendrie whom they absolutely adore while flying to the only place they ever seem to go Laughlin, Nevada. Continually fighting each other for control of the plane's telephone, the couple invariably stalls the aircraft and they "die" in a crash after each appearance. Hal frequently shouts out, "You WHORE!," as the plane crashes because Viola forgot to fill the jet with gas.
Robert Leonard
Leonard is an African-American professor who appeared a handful of times on Hendrie's show in 2000. When Julius Irving's son was missing, Professor Leonard argued that NBC and the NBA had "Dr. Irving"'s son kidnapped in order to increase ratings for the Lakers-Pacers series occurring at the time. Callers who disagreed with Professor Leonard were called "racist", even if they were black. Professor Leonard also appeared on the show after the announcement of Joe Lieberman running with Al Gore for the Democrat presidential ticket in 2000, in which he was very much against a Vice President who is Jewish because "they're gonna start buying things wholesale" and "who's gonna run the country on a Saturday?"
Bob McGraw
Bob is always on with some insane money-making scheme, like the Flight 93 Kit, containing nerve gas antidote. Not a major character, but quite funny. Arguably his most memorable scheme involved charging $10 to sodomize an effigy of Osama bin Laden at a Christmas tree lot. Bob was heard from quite often in the pre-syndication days "selling" items useful to residents of California such as Earth-Quake survival kits, "Rain-Diverters" and other items for the benefit of "cripple kids".
Father James McQuarters
Irish Catholic priest who comments on current events in a lilting brogue that occasionally drops to a rather dark, threatening register. Almost always appearing with Celtic music, if Hendrie fails to loop the track then McQuarters transitions from his Irish accent to one of an older African American. Father McQuarters is known to drink while on air, usually taking a "snort" of Maker's Mark or Johnnie Walker, eventually drinking himself to an unintelligible state. Recently, Father McQuarters voiced that he thought he "had a shot at being Pope."
Father McQuarters caused a stir when he put forth the revolutionary idea that Adam and Eve were children in the book of Genesis. To promote this idea and to prove that not all Catholic Priests are child molesters, Father McQuarters was attempting to put on a school play featuring second, third, and fourth graders as Adam and Eve "in the glory of their nakedness."
Father McQuarters was remanded by his Diocese for lying to protect some of the priests he knew who were accused of child molestation. He defended his actions by saying, "It's very difficult to give up your friends. Guys that you sit around and share a glass with. Guys that understand your language, speak your lingo." And after all, as Father McQuarters stated in a separate segment, some guys are just "born to be wild."
Father McQuarters is often known to associate with a fellow priest, Father Staley, who has been known to take a hit of the Christian Brothers port and grind out a few organ tunes once "word came down" from the Vatican that celebration was in order (due to such things as the child molestation charges being off the front page headlines).
At one point in his life, before accepting Jesus as his savior, Father McQuarters was a police officer for New York City. "Manhattan-South doncha know." He was a particularly violent cop, loving to chase men down and beating their faces with a flashlight. During the riots and looting in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, he commented that, were he still an officer, he'd whack the back of a black woman's head so hard "that her gold teeth would go out uniformly from her mouth almost like jet aircraft" and that "she'd turn white."
Justin McElroy
A high school student whom thinks he is smarter than every caller. He starts most sentences with the word "Well." He also uses the word "um" frequently. Justin is the president of the student body at his high school. He disdains the opinions of adults and authority figures and often uses logical fallacies to support his position. He considers his mother and her friends "suburban sex pigs".
Colonel Buck Negro
Buck is a parody of the majority of conservative radio hosts in the country; not only Rush Limbaugh as some have asserted. He has opinions as "rock solid as the Rock of Gibraltar" but is actually very easily convinced and swayed.
Chris Norton
Telemarketer and an aspiring porn actor and producer. He claims to have slept with "thousands and thousands and millions of women." Chris has a good friend and business manager named Lance Germane. Their exploits typically have strong homosexual overtones, but Chris is always oblivious to this. He has trouble pronouncing "x" sounds (which sometime infuriates Hendrie), like when he talks about "the sissies" ('60's), "sessuality" (sexuality), being "essited" (excited), how women "can't resist his sess" or how he looks good in a "tuss," you know, "a tussedo." Frequently breathes through his mouth
good you Frequently through while callers are talking. (Usually blames the problem on a sinus or breathing condition which he can't help)
Before becoming a telemarketer, Chris Norton was manager of Huge Enterprises, an adult film industry, of which he starred in a number of films under his screen name Woody Wilson. He claims to have the largest collection of adult films on the West Coast. This has not been confirmed.
Chris also runs the website "Fox Feaver" which is pornographic in nature.
Chris can usually be found working "copyrighted" dance moves at the Rusty Pelican in Redondo Beach California.
Dave Oliva
An aspiring latino LAPD officer and resident of Monterey Park, CA who frequently berates older people. Owner of a Chevy El Camino with tuck-and-roll seats, Chi Chi balls in the mirror, "Mambo #5" printed on the rear window, and a "Tell her she's Lovely" bumper sticker.
Dave often asks Hendrie or his callers "How do you like me now?"
Dave is very dedicated to becoming an LAPD officer, doing such things as watching 'Cops' and gory slasher movies without blinking to toughen himself up for "the realities of the street," that he will eventually have to face as a police officer. He often uses his "police training" to obtain compliance from customers at his workplace (e.g., using his police command voice to get others to clean off their plates at the restaurant for which he waiters).
Earl Pants
This character owns and operates "Earl Pants' Automotive." Earl hosts "Earl Pants Car Talk" live in Hendrie's studio, where he never gives any real advice. He, in fact, often shows a complete lack of mechanical knowledge, even going so far as to change a tire with his chest positioned directly under the car's wheel (which promptly crashed down and trapped him under a "big, thick Firestone meat" when his son, afflicted with ADHD, released the car jack while he was working).
Jared Parker
A born-again elder in the FLDS Church, he practices polygamy and has several wives, including two sixteen-year-old girls. Although he does not believe in abuse, he does have a "discipline shed" for his wives.
Don Parsley
Self-serving charlatan Don Parsley frequently calls Hendrie's show with various, disingenuous money making schemes. In the wake of any natural disaster or terrorist attack, Hendrie takes a call from a gentleman named Don Parsley who claims to have lost his wife in the tragedy. Don claims to not take charity, but often accepts Hendrie's offer to solicit contributions from the listeners, if only for Don's children. As the segment progresses, Don will decline all offers of assistance that are not cash money, or decline offers of cash less than $100, he will forget his wife's name, the names and number of his children, and generally reveal himself to be a complete fraud. On occasion, he has also appeared to promote equally dubious products or services, about which he refuses to reveal any specific information. He then forgets and contradicts himself about the details he has divulged, which appear to have been made up on the spot.
Chris Pootay
Host of "Chris Pootay's Love Songs." A radio show that loved ones can call in and dedicate a song. The callers are mostly loners.
Pastor William Rennick
Boisterous African American Pentecostal minister from the Joyful Union Congregation in Bellflower,
Joyful Congregation
California. Husband to Clara Bingham, they both enjoy whirlwind vacations in the Holy Land using the church's money. Pastor Rennick is also known to dance to such songs as Rick James' 'Give it to Me' and Hot Chocolate's 'Sexy Thing' on the top of his car, and was known once to be 'straight bashed' when he, in his Porsche Carrera GT, was beaten by "a hammasexual" wearing "leather chaps, a leather vest with no shirt on and one of those leather Nazi Germany hats" driving a souped up Corvette. When the Pastor was beaten in the race, he refused to sign over the car's pink slip (for vehicle ownership, which he had wagered on the race), stating that "I ain't givin' no tailgunner no pink slip!", resulting in the Corvette driver assaulting Rennick and slamming his head into the door of his Porsche. Rennick's frequent exclamation "Sweet, Feathery Jesus!" and "Sweet, Feathery Christ!" is how the former-Phil Hendrie fansite sweetfeatheryjesus.com its name.
Pastor Rennick has been known to misappropriate church funds to benefit himself, resulting in extravagant purchases, such as cars, vacations (i.e. "a whirlwind trip to the holy land") and hot tubs. He has also appropriated the money his parishioners donated for a boy who needed an operation in order to purchase silver bullets, in order to protect himself from werewolf attacks.
The Pastor Rennick character has brought Hendrie some criticism for being racially insensitive.
Brad Rifkin
A sleazy businessman who comes on the show to promote questionable advertising campaigns and fundraisers. During the Terri Schiavo controversy, Brad created a billboard for a bottled-water company which featured the slogan, "blink if you're thirsty." This character was named Brad "The Booger" Bellmante on Hendrie's WIOD Miami Show. Brad "The Booger" hosted the "Beloved Buffalo Bills Report" and would often draw the ire of fans of the hometown Dolphins by insisting that the Dolphins "stink". He once reported that Dan Marino had died because "he got the gout".
When the BTK Killer was captured, Brad promoted a line of clothes for overweight children called "BTK" (Big Tall Kid). The logo is a boy being choked to death, which he says is an allusion to "peacefully" euthanizing an ill and suffering child. According to Brad, this is to represent the peace and relief that overweight children will receive from his plus-size clothing.
Dr. Jim Sadler
He is a veterinarian, dentist, and psychologist. He's also a Scientologist who says psychiatry has done a great deal of damage. In recent years, Dr. Sadler has been working out (often in a thong in his front yard for all the neighbors to see), so as to better to "oil up" and intimidate others with how ripped he is. He often threatens physical violence on callers who disagree with him or informs them that they wouldn't dare say such things in front of him because he is so "ripped." Dr. Sadler is at least fifty years old, and is married to a twenty-year-old woman. His voice (stereotypical Jewish New Yorker) seems to be loosely based on two strange characters that Hendrie did before his employment in Los Angeles: Brad from his Minneapolis employment and Rick Seiderman from his Miami employment.
Decemeber 31, 2004. Dr. Jim Sadler says that people who protest him sunbathing in his front yard while wearing a thong haven't gotten over 9/11.
Jay Santos
"Brigadier Admiral" in the Citizens' Auxiliary Police (motto: "We Take a Peek Over the Shoulder of the Police") of Hawthorne, California (originally from Philadelphia). He was coereced into joining when his soon-to-be fellow Auxiliary Policeman Major Elvis Newton came to him in a dream. His uniform consists of a blue arm band, a pith helmet, Bermuda shorts, and Doc Marten wingtips. An overbearing, officious "rent-a-cop," Santos' motto and excuse for his behavior is "It's About Saving Lives," which he will go about doing even as he perverts the concept of citizen's arrest beyond recognition and taking it completely out of context (Jay believes that the legal right to citizen's arrest gives him arrest privileges beyond even that of accredited law enforcement agencies). When confronted by callers that he is a police "wanna-be," Jay merely states that he is not in accredited law enforcement because there are "too much politics." A cacophony of police scanners can be heard in the background whenever Jay phones in.
The "life saving" duties of the Citizen's Auxiliary Police include arbitrarily frisking teenage girls at shopping malls (ostensibly to prevent shoplifting), stopping white motorists to inspect their nostrils for
shopping (ostensibly prevent shoplifting), stopping inspect methamphetamine as they are "mountain trash," making sure that men hanging around swimming pools aren't putting any inappropriate visual images in the "spank bank", and conducting mandatory gynecological exams on female motorists --because distraction due to vaginal irritation might result in a car crash. Jay's shining moment of vigilanteism came when he prevented large men from "lifting up a tricycle and trying to sniff the seat" at a garage sale.
According to Santos, the garage sale, yard sale is the pit of evil in America. Jay says that, if after questioning a citizen, he can find no evidence of wrong-doing then "it's a tip of the hat, and I'm on my way."
Jay gets his marching orders from Major Elvis Newton, commanding officer of the Citizens' Auxiliary Police. According to Jay, Newton is blind and reclusive. Consultations with him always seem to take place in Newton's darkened livingroom, where only the blue glow of a television and a wisp of cigarette smoke may be seen, Jay "sits at his feet," hanging on every word of his deranged directives.
Roland Schwinn
Morbidly obese at 5'11" and 395 pounds, Schwinn is also a nudist. Owns and operates "Camp Bountiful" where kids can eat all the junk food they want without feeling guilty. Has also been called Roland Selb and Roland Grey.
Herb Sewell
Criminally insane individual rehabilitated after an eight year stay in the California state mental hospital in Atascadero. Herb comes on Hendrie's show to comment on high-profile criminal cases. He frequently punctuates his commentary with fits of nervous laughter, which in turn unnerves the callers. Although Herb is an admitted child molester, he will remind people: "I did not commit the act of murder like some of the people I know, some of the people I'm very close to." One of those people is Walter Bellhaven, still at Atascadero, whom Sewell mentions very frequently. Walter has murdered 150 men, women, and children according to the police, but was convicted of 20 of those murders in a court of law because the police have never "found all of the bodies." Walter is also a great conversationalist, botanist, and card player in Herb's estimation.
Herb, like many of Hendrie's characters, has developed over time, and his being a criminally convicted child molester is a fairly recent twist. He has also developed a nervous laugh, of which he'll uncotrollably go into when talking about his perverted past. This "laugh" of his, has proven to be very effective as it ultimately freaks out the caller. Herb, a convicted sex offender, often calls from high risk situations such as carnivals or city parks and can often be heard talking to children in the background.
Previously, he was merely rich and deluded (a la Ted Bell and Bobbie Dooley) with a penchant for teenage girls. He later developed into someone who pushed his wife out of a car going ninety miles an hour on the California Grapevine, while his children watched. The newer, more extreme incarnation of Sewell became one of the show's most popular characters.
Skippy and Frank
A parody of Opie and Anthony and other morning-show FM DJs, Skippy and Frank are two morning "shock jocks" who are invariably fired from their jobs at the ends of their segments for doing outrageous and downright stupid "radical" stunts. Such a stunt occurred on the Valentine's Day edition of Skippy and Franky, where Skippy blew half of his entire face off when sticking a gun in his mouth and trying to see if he could pull the trigger with his toes (February 9, 2000).
Unable to land jobs in major radio markets, their "show" originates from some of America's most rural markets, each one a little smaller than the last.
Going from job to job with Skippy and Frank is their traffic reporter Commander Bud Hall, who always gets taunted by Skippy and Frank because his name sounds like "butt-hole." Fed up with the emotional distress and verbal abuse caused by the two, Bud Hall somehow managed to get to Skippy and Frank's studio from his helicopter in under fifteen seconds, and murdered the both of them.
Tsunami Sam
A blues singer who sings songs that Hendrie interrupts because they are inappropriate (i.e. "The Candy Man" in memory of Pope John Paul II). Sam always shoots back that he's being interrupted and/or forcibly removed from the studio because he's black.
Deb Turner
(Character Description needed)
Elliot Vaneer
A disc jockey at a radio station that plays old musical hits from older artists like Eartha Kitt, Tony Bennett, Jack Jones, and many other older '50s-'60s music. Vaneer claims to be very lonely and hate his life and he repeatedly kills himself with a shotgun and comes back when Hendrie begins to start talking again. Elliot Vaneer is not a common "guest" but he appears every now and then to play some of the "big hits" for about 10 minutes.
"Brass" Villanueva
A proud, young Latino from East Los Angeles ("mi barrio") who claims that he's not allowed to speak Spanish because he's "oppressed" by the Anglo culture, though Brass is invariably clueless about particulars of his own heritage. Obsessed with neck tattoos. Recently, Brass invented the Zapata Tube after receiving CPR due to near-drowning at a local beach. His girlfriend accused him of being homosexual because another man placed his mouth on his. Brass' skewed sense of honor compelled him to return to the beach and spit in the eye of the lifeguard who saved him. The "Zapata Tube" (a CPR mask with a 3 foot tube) was proposed as a "non-gay" method of resuscitating a Latino.
Dean Wheeler
New-age, Birkenstock-wearing, America-hating, yoga-teaching apologist from a Northern California political activist group. In a previous incarnation, he was the spokesman of the Kentucky Tobacco Growers' "Tobaccy Truck" which allowed kids under the age of 18 to get free "tobaccy" if they had consent of any adult, even Mr. Wheeler. During the first year of the Iraq war, Mr. Wheeler was known for trying to flee to Canada and is often portrayed as a fearful, sniveling individual.
Harvey Wireman, Esq.
World War Two veteran and a retired lawyer; he occasionally acts as Steve Bosell's attorney for his many lawsuits. Wireman is commandant of Bradley Military Academy, where he will sometimes instruct unruly
R.C. Collins to "kiss the gunner's daughter" and will often instruct Hendrie to "take him down for the makings". Harvey also hosts "Senior Chat" and "Law Talk" live in Hendrie's studio during which his Alzheimer's often takes ahold of him. Harvey has chronic problems with his throat, usually claiming to have some sort of "cheese wedge" lodged in his throat and requests a "plastic bottle of squirt" to help dislodge it.
He also has very poor eyesight, which causes him to struggle to read "copy" or news stories for his segments, often misreading the name of former New York City police chief Bernard Kerik as "Benaboo Keggie," New York City mayor Michael Bloomburg as "Miguel Blimbin" and Bill Cosby as "Buck Cornwall". He also asserted on-air once that " 'seven per cant of Amae-ricans' what, is that Puerto Ricans? 'drink darring the warkday' " (seven percent of Americans drink during the workday).
This character is based on Hendrie's late father. Harvey was introduced on WIOD, Miami, as a member of
O.J. Simpson's legal defense team.
Frodo the Puppet
Frodo the Puppet is a sock puppet character that appeared in a segment entitled "Phil Explains the Bullcrap with Frodo the Puppet", circa 2001-2002. In "Frodo Explains the Bullcrap" the hapless puppet would have Hendrie explain complex world issues to him in a short segment. Hendrie only performed
explain complex segment. only performed this segment occasionally, usually on Friday nights as a means of recapping the week's most talked about stories. Things rarely went well for Frodo, as in the course of Hendrie's explanations Frodo would often become quite vulgar and use language that Hendrie found highly objectionable. This would often cause Hendrie to administer corporeal punishment to Frodo, to "Straighten him out some." Frodo's language would also often result in a call from David G. Hall, who would admonish Hendrie for Frodo's actions and demand that he "Get that damn puppet under control!" Eventually Hendrie "killed" the puppet, saying, "I've killed him. I've killed him and nothing you can do will ever bring him back."
― graty80 (libcrypt), Monday, 5 January 2009 18:47 (sixteen years ago) link
four years pass...
