Are men ever actually friends with a woman without wanting to bone her?

Are men ever actually friends, like good, intimate friends, with a woman who is not unattractive to them without wanting to bone her? I kind of don't believe that they are. Maybe they never do it, but the POSSIBILITY is always part of the value of the relationship.

― A healthy weekly ration of cheetos and stoner metal (Laurel), Tuesday, January 6, 2009 12:14 AM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Sure.

you missed a key part of laurel's post in the thread title

I agree with Laurel on this 100%,

you missed a key part of laurel's post in the thread title

― Local Garda, Tuesday, January 6, 2009 12:17 AM (37 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

tryna be pithy

I think so.
(and surely we must have done this before?)

Or maybe just Pythy.

i'd like to think that me & laurel are pretty good friends overall, though less so in the past year maybe, but i have never wanted to bone her despite finding her to be, as they say, "v v pretty."

Thanks, ian!! <3 you, boo.

Oh come now I gather people will read the post before responding xp u see!

i have attractive female friends i do not want to sleep with!

^ I mean sure I think it's possible but I think that that is the exception and not the norm.

some men are sleazier than others.

Okay, I'll admit there can be exceptions. But I think it happens a lot less often than a lot of men AND women would like to believe.

Also it's possibly my chief complaint about Ghost World and Lost in Translation: that it's not possible to separate the potential sexual allure from the friendship, or at least you have so little control whether the viewer interprets it that way that I have to assume you know a certain percentage of people will assume there's a sexual component, and that you intend them to assume that.

As a working stage director, touring musician, blah blah, over the years, and I've made close friendships with other artists who are women. Often. And I've never been involved with an actress I've directed, never schtupped the headliner. And yet could objectively find them attractive, and might spend hours working intimately with them, developing a couple-like friendship, without feeling any urge to get sexually involved.

Sure they are. Whether or not the possibility of boning has been decisively rejected earlier on in the friendship relation - which is possible - isn't really key. I'm still best friends with three girls, whom I've respectively actually boned, didn't but wished I did and declared that wish, and didn't wish for it to happen at all. All three of these very different situations resulted in the same: an actual friendship, no desires held back.

ILX 2009: No Desires Held Back

This question is kind of silly because the "find not unattractive" thing makes it seem like we're asking if men are ever actually friends with women they want to bone without wanting to bone them?

I am friends with quite a few girls who I would describe as beautiful or pretty but I am not attracted to really. eg people I have nothing in common with interest wise but enjoy chatting to and hanging out with, though am sure a relationship would never work. But I suppose the question is would a guy sleep with a girl in this situation, who fucking knows. I mean you might have sex with someone as a one off.

Can I ask are girls ever actually friends with a guy they find not unattractive without wanting to bone him?

probably a good thing that i've never been close friends (as opposed to acquaintance you see fairly often and enjoy talking to without ever really taking a deeper interest in each other's lives) with any girls i crushed on

haha ian xp

I really dislike the term "bone".

^^ yes

more of a poppage man?

not to be mean or anything, but the attitude that all men want to bone their female friends shows a certain conceit on the part of the woman, does it not? "I'm super hot, so this guy who seems friendly and not threatening must totally want to hit it."

smash? nail? they're all kinda nasty xp

better question might be: "are men ever actually friends with a woman without seeing her first and foremost as a woman?"

Yeah - mainly friends of wife and female relatives.

Well, the question is also kind of stemming from conversations relating to the Would Smash thread, basically that guys wd hypothetically smash any pretty girl who would smash them back. Whereas I would not smash almost anyone except a few specific people that I find attractive for what are most likely to be non-physical reasons. Obv is all anecdotal. But it was presented by several guys as a fact of life with a Y chromosome. So...

Schtup?

http://badpress.homestead.com/files/PitCartoon1.gif

I enjoy intercourse with all my female friends.

think laurel is otm in original post but say offtm to simplified thread title.

xp to laurel: i'm pretty sure no one posts pictures of their friends on the would smash thread.

Based on my experience as a guy and what I've observed in the relationships of others, the answer is NO. Sexual desire always exists on the fringes of such relationships. Sometimes it's front and center, and sometimes it's waaaaay off in the peripheral, but it's always there, at least in potential.

...With the caveat that, in the long run, the perception of "attractiveness" can fade into something like asexual friendship. That is, she can still be hot, but you've known her through so many years, through so much shit, that you don't have any remaining desire to actually be with her, though you still dig her as a friend.

Two questions:

1) Is there anything wrong with this?
2) Is it the same for girls?

erm...I feel like Tuomas posting this but I have to say casual sex doesn't particularly make me feel great, or at least yeah, I need to be attracted to the person mentally to really enjoy it. Just for the record I amn't saying this to try and seem like a good person or something, I often wish it wasn't the case.

so then a guy wouldn't be friends with a girl he isn't attracted to?

see i would say thinking about this literally as "wanting intercourse" is a bit too blunt for what's really going on...there is certainly an eros at play in all relationships but this is not to say anyone would really desire to follow through with actual sex.

to be gendered at all is to introduce this tension into all relationships with the opposite gender...

erm...I feel like Tuomas posting this but I have to say casual sex doesn't particularly make me feel great, or at least yeah, I need to be attracted to the person mentally to really enjoy it. Just for the record I amn't saying this to try and seem like a good person or something, I often wish it wasn't the case.

― Local Garda, Tuesday, January 6, 2009 1:35 AM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

isn't this the opposite of tuomas tho? that or he just seems to like lots of people.

i mean, this almost reminds me of a professor i had who condescendingly seemed to imply that all male friendships were somehow coded homosexuality.

x-post yeah you're right I guess, I just meant it might appear faux-naive.

(lots of this already said in xposts, but anyway...)

the "who is not unattractive" part is sort of key here, because "attractive" can mean a whole lot of things. if it means "sexually attractive," then the question sort of becomes, "can a man be friends with a woman he finds sexually attractive without being sexually attracted to her," which pretty much answers itself. but what somebody finds sexually attractive is a pretty personal and specific thing, so somebody could easily be friends with someone they knew was, say, conventionally good-looking without actually being very attracted to them. and in any case, the mere fact of finding someone sexually attractive doesn't mean that every time you see them you immediately go into sex-fantasy land. it's just one of those things that sort of registers somewhere, for the most part noted but not dwelt upon.

and i guess, what does "wanting to bone her" mean? does it mean, you sit there when you're talking with your friend and in some part of your mind you're thinking "i'd really like to bone her"? or does it mean just a general awareness that this is somebody that, in the right circumstances, you'd be sexually interested in? anyway, i have lots of friends who are women, some of whom i personally find more sexually attractive than others, all of whom i find "attractive" in some way or i wouldn't be friends with them (same is true of my male friends, obviously), none of whom i spend any time actively thinking about boning.

so if the question is, "should i, as a woman, assume that all my guy friends are actively thinking about sexing me every time we sit down to have a beer," i'd say, probably not -- or at least, not much more likely than you are to be thinking the same thing about them. otoh, i am not a designated spokesman for my gender, so who knows.

No, really: why is this very common question always phrased this way? Why do we always wonder about his desire to bone her, and not vice-versa?

man after an hour on both of these threads I feel like I've just run a marathon

because women do not feel sexual desire, contenderizer. DUH!

except for expensive pairs of shoes!

(a female friend of mine some years ago had another male friend that she was thinking of propositioning for a one-night stand -- she wasn't interested in him relationship-wise, but wanted to get laid and thought he'd be fun -- and asked me if he'd be freaked out by the proposition. i didn't know the guy, so i had no idea, but i told her that at the very least she wasn't going to damage his ego.)

Why do we always wonder about his desire to bone her, and not vice-versa?

just look at the internet and how 99% of sex-related content is from a male perspective. i was gonna say on the other thread there is even this stigma about the term '18 year old girl' now where you feel like that's enough on it's own to set some guys minds off (type it into google and see what comes up perhaps).

uh, the top results are '18 year old girl wrecks 800hp Corvette!' and one about gang rape :(

Well, I'm only asking from my point of view, really, and from my point of view I DON'T think idly about having sex w my male friends -- probably for a lot of reasons, some of which are self-fulfilling. I find a lot of them "attractive" in an aesthetic way, but for Someone Else, not for me.

I just feel like lately I've been picking up on a lot of instances/descriptions of the male experience as being basically about imagining having sex with any woman you don't actually find UNattractive.

Instances and descriptions from dudes that I know and like, by the way. I'm not basing this on popular movies or Details Magazine.

it's neurosis to want to sleep with lots of people?

I have "boned" two lesbians. Anything can happen.

somewhat sure - but more to want to sleep w/lots of people and keep everything cool - i mean pick yr battles ok

xp

but you have the highest testosterone count on ilx, this is established fact xpost

― REMOVE THEIR EARS (country matters), Tuesday, 6 January 2009 16:16 (2 hours ago) Bookmark

the authors have a vaguely self-helpy tone. several times they say "no one has ever experienced low self esteem at the moment of orgasm!"

and i wanted to be like "you've clearly never crouched sweating in secret having a frantic wank before the pizza arrives"

LOOL

thread got better

Still no lesbians on ILX? There was one on the gay thread for a few days, but I think she disappeared.

― xhuxk e. xheese (jaymc), Tuesday, January 6, 2009 1:17 PM (13 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

ya where'd she go?? i think she like lives near me too. no maybe i'm wrong.

brings new meaning to Crouch End amirite britishes?

I like lesbians who look like little newsboys. Aren't they called bois or something?

Off topic, I know...

I am friends with many women, including many who I think are good-looking, whom I do not want to bone. I can flirt sometimes but that's not necessarily about bonin'.

yes, flirting with friends in the mutual understanding that it won't lead anywhere is very healthy for one's sexual outlook, especially when in a relationship

i giggle so much when i flirt, sometimes i get tired

wankbank?! lol

you're quite the excitable sort, surm ;)

i suppose i am :D

u kno, this thread is kind of ensuring that i'm going to put on when harry met sally tonight

surm <3

i hope that's ALL you're putting on, surm ;)

:/

here's another tip - if you are ever given "the ethical slut" for christmas you got to tap that

― Tracer Hand, Tuesday, January 6, 2009 12:16 PM (38 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

wait i don't get this, tap who? the person who gave you the book? why would a woman give a dude this book? my head is reeling here. tap the book?

1 approach attractive friend

2 hold "the ethical slut" up at or near eye level

3 tap that w/the index finger of the hand not holding the book

4 say "there are some pretty persuasive arguments in this book"

5 get to bonin

5. one way ticket to bonin island on a ship with only female staff

http://mysite.du.edu/~ttyler/ploughboy/boninchol.htm

http://www.newyorkmasters.com/players/jay_bonin.jpg

most ironic name ever?

oh you don't even wanna know

i giggle so much when i flirt, sometimes i get tired

― Surmounter, Tuesday, January 6, 2009 12:35 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

im glad surmounter is back

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C8lAhq1XcAE885i.jpg

Of course, this is problematic itself, because Jesus is her savior [...]

― Mordy, Tuesday, January 6, 2009 4:40 AM (eight years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

otm

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C8lB_28XUAAIw7U.jpg:large

Girl, you make my economic perspective go macro.

good looking out, mookie damn this thread was a long time ago

i take back my post of eight years ago; i'd bone laurel.

good to know you've straightened out your priorities

You can "want to bone" someone in theory but not have that as an ulterior motive in your head whenever you interact with them. This thread is based on regressive heteronormative gender stereotypes.

Hans Fiene is a Senior Contributor to The Federalist. He is a Lutheran pastor in Illinois and the creator of Lutheran Satire, a series of comical videos intended to teach the Lutheran faith.

oookay

Congratulations, treesh!

Google says:

No results found for "regressive heteronormative gender stereotypes".

Duck-Duck-Go says:

No results found for "regressive heteronormative gender stereotypes".

Well yeah treeship, but what you said still implies you want to bone them on some level, so... :)

Bone Actually

t'ain't nothing wrong with wanting to bone someone attractive, treesh otm re: ulterior motives

also I hate the word "bone" in this context

Amazon says:

Your search ""regressive heteronormative gender stereotypes"" did not match any products.

I hate "bone" as a verb too was just going with the thread's established nomenclature

During one of these hammer blows, a significant quake off shore from Japan in the Bonin Arc region occurred. At first called a magnitude 7.9, this was later downgraded, as usual, by the USGS to be a 7.4. The tsunami that followed did not cause the high tides and choppy waves noted throughout Indonesia and in Australia and New Zealand, however, as the tsunami for this Bonin Arc quake progressed northwest. The Bonin Arc is part of what is called the Izu-Bonin-Mariana arc, along the eastern edge of the Philippine Plate as it approaches the point where 3 plates meet at Mt Fiji - the Philippine Plate, the Pacific Plate, and the N American Plate. From the start of the Bonin Island hammering on December 20, 2010 at 17:19 UTC until December 24, 2010 at 10:05 UTC there were 101 quakes above magnitude 4.7 in this hammer. And still ongoing.

this seems like one of those creepy PUA truisms that actually is true

re: thread question

"truism" is not the word I'm looking for but i'm blanking rn

'Bone' always just makes me think of this guy

http://data.electionleaflets.org/cache/41/13/411395b6d58bebb5a96792a56758bd52.png

I'm boning

Peter
BACK

turnabout is fair play